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Old 09-08-2012, 08:31 AM
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rory rory is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497

Interesting times. It is an adjustment to be living in the same city with both of my partners. What I feel most of all is excitement and happiness. Cool!

With Mya it's a whole new situation. I love the fact that we can meet so easily. I love that the feeling of scarcity is not there: you know, the one which says "try to spend this time as effectively as possible since it will be a month until you see her again". Now when we see each other we can just do whatever we feel like and then we can see each other again and do whatever we feel like then. Of course, you can do that in a LDR but it just doesn't feel like it cause there's more conflict between what you want in that moment and what you want overall. E.g. I really want/need to sleep now but she's leaving tomorrow and I won't be able to touch her so I want to do that now instead of sleeping.

That is all great but there is one thing I want to look out for. I'm so excited that we can do all kinds of stuff anytime instead of being restricted to talking like you are in a LDR most of the time. But I don't want to miss out on the talking, I want to make time for that, too. There's something about the distance. Firstly, you can't do much else so you talk. But, secondly, it's also sort of "easier" to talk at anytime about anything, because there isn't really anything to lose. I'll try to explain that.

I start from the assumptions that talking is pretty much always good for the relationship, cause that is true to me. But if it's heavy stuff, you know it's going to be the focus for a while. You know you need to talk sometime soonish, but usually it's not so pressing it can't wait for a bit. So at a certain moment, you are in the middle of something or you might rather feel like cuddling or having hot sex or just relaxing together, and by starting a heavy conversation you will lose those other outcomes at least for the near future. In a LDR you will be talking about that for a while, but that's what you most need to talk about anyway so it doesn't matter. So, while I've been happy with the amount of talking I have done with Mya when I've seen her since moving, I want to remain mindful that we take time to talk, too.

With Alec, things are going good. We've been getting along surprisingly well taking into account the fact that neither of us is yet working and we are living in a single room. But we've been out and about together quite a lot to see the city and it's been great.

The fact that I now have another partner living in the same place, whom I see regularly, is an adjustment for Alec and our relationship, as well. Obviously not all is concretely that different: we've had friends and lives beyond each other before and of course I've been in a relationship with Mya for almost 1,5 years. However, the overnight stays will be much more regular from now on. On one hand, Mya won't be visiting our place for long periods of time as she has. On the other, my staying over at her place few nights every week will be a part of our everyday lives from now on.

Alec has earlier said that he doesn't know how it will feel for him once we're in the same city, and if it will be difficult for him. So far he's been a lot like he's been in earlier poly-related situations: he feels mostly positive, some negative, mostly handles that all by himself, and usually tries to schedule something fun/comfortable for himself while I'm away.

I've felt a bit nervous about this aspect, though I try not to worry too much since it's really out of my hands... In the end, Alec will be reasonably satisfied with the situation or he won't. Either way I can't do more than listen to him if he wants to talk, be an understanding and kind partner, and be accommodating in the things I feel aren't too much (e.g. I can call/text him when I'm out even though it's not my first preference).

Also it all entails me keeping my own reactions in check, e.g. not pestering him when I see he is feeling bad and chooses not to talk. I always feel like we have to talk about it, but I've done some thinking aroung that. Firstly, my need for him to talk comes from the fact that I want to make him feel better which is nice but also a bit selfish (his negative feelings make me feel uncomfortable and guilty so I try to fix it). Secondly, it is his choice if he wants to talk: I cannot make him, and even if I can do it by interrogating him, that is not really the relationship dynamic I want. Thirdly, while I get that sense of urgency to talk when I see him sad, that is not necessarily true. If he never talked to me, it would be a problem, but that is not the case. He has told me that he sometimes feels bad but that he knows it will pass in some time, so I have the information I need to have. When that then does happen, it is a valid choice on his part to just wait for the feelings to pass without talking to me about them each separate time.

Soon, I'm leaving with Alec and he'll take me to the bus visiting the store at the same time, and I'm going to meet Mya. We'll go shopping and meet her friend, and I'll spend the night at Mya's, and I'll want to get some talking done, too.

Last edited by rory; 09-08-2012 at 08:34 AM.
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