Yes, DADT, if mutual, is acceptable in poly. It's not that your partner doesn't know you have other relationships or didn't consent to that and you're sneaking around; it's that you both agreed to keep your other relationships under the radar.
We've seen here that this is usually implemented when at least one partner either:
1.) is really uncomfortable with non-monogamy and doesn't want to look at the situation, but agrees to it because they feel powerless or that they have no choice anyway. "Just keep me out of it," they say;
2.) has an issue with a certain aspect of what their other partner wants from poly -- for example, the physical vs. the emotional. If they can shut their eyes to their partner's involvement with others completely, they can avoid accepting the full implications of what is going on and can pretend "it's only sex" or "it's only a friendship" or whatever; or
3.) is really okay with it but just do not want to know anything so that they can present a "picture-perfect" facade of monogamy to the public, friends, colleagues, and family without lying.
DADT usually seems focused on preserving a fantasy.
It sounds like your partner really doesn't feel comfy knowing what's going on, but if you are not comfy hiding everything, a request for renegotiation seems in order. People do change and comfort levels change.
If it were me, I would start by saying, "About that conversation of mine that you overheard - how do you feel about it? You seemed really upset, but you're not talking about how it affected you, and I think this is something we need to address. I don't want to see you hurting, but I don't think pretending everything is okay is good for us either. What's going on? Let's get it out in the open. Can we start looking at this DADT agreement and maybe consider some adjustments?" And then see where the convo leads... but the convo definitely seems necessary.
Last edited by nycindie; 09-08-2012 at 03:07 AM.