Originally Posted by jwr
The truth is that I hate myself. I hate everything about my life. I've been married for 8 years and I have a beautiful son. But I feel that I can do nothing for him or anyone else. I've been unemployed for nearly 2 years now. I'm the darkness before everything goes pitch black. I remember who I was a long time ago. I used to love going to parties and hanging out with friends all the time. I loved spending time with different people. I loved being able to love different people. That changed, I changed. I got married. I thought it was what I wanted at the time, but after only a few years I don't know anymore. There are people I have met in my life that I yearn to be close to. I can't. My wife allows nothing like that. She is as straight as they come. She says she has moral issues and also she cant handle the jealousy. I've always cared for her. She says that it's us and that's how it works. I don't know how I should feel. Part of me says I'm sick and wrong and then part of me says that its ok that I feel this way. I'm trapped either way. If I were to leave her she would go crazy and kill me. Sometimes I want to do it myself. I dont know what to do.
Just a few points that came to mind reading your post:
#1.) I am sorry you are in such a dark place.
#2.) It certainly sounds, from this post, that you may be clinically depressed - it may be an inherent tendency or a result of the circumstances you find yourself in. Either way it makes sense to hold off making major decisions until you have a better handle on what you are feeling and why you feel that way. Talk to a doctor. You may need medication or counseling to help you get to a place where you have a clear picture of what you need to do now.
#3.) You feel the need to get "close to" other people (please define what you mean by this - friends? lovers? buddies? girlfriends? second wives?). It IS ok, in my book, to feel that way. It would NOT be ok, in my book, to act on this in ways that cause further damage in your life. How much closeness is too much for your wife? Can you have friends?
#4.) You feel that your wife would "go crazy and kill you" if you were to leave. People really do survive breakups/separation/divorce. If you get yourself to a place of clarity and decide that leaving is what you actually have to do - then perhaps you can help her get the help she needs to be able to cope with that.
Without more information it is hard to provide advise. From the limited information you gave it sounds like you convinced yourself that getting married was what you wanted (were supposed
to want?) and that, for you, it wasn't all that was promised. You now feel trapped and are looking for escape and are viewing your wife as the jailer.
You are an adult. You have responsibilities - to your wife, to your kid, and to yourself
. You have rights - to have your needs met, to seek happiness and fulfillment in life. If your situation is making you miserable you can a.) change the situation or b.) remove yourself from it. From here it looks like the first step is to seek help. (Posting here is a good start - but if you have slid into MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) then you will need the help of a professional).