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Old 09-07-2012, 02:29 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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INTERNAL CONVERSATIONS: STAYING ON TOP OF ANXIETY

I have stress/anxiety/panic. Pretty well managed sans meds, I've learned a lot over the years. But there's still leftover Xanax in the cabinet if I ever get blindsided.

I do not like stress. It triggers anxiety/panic attacks for me.

DH has lived with me this long -- he's seen it all. I'm proud of us for navigating all that. (Remember the endoscopy for my maybe ulcer and seeing the nurse's brains up her nose?)

I take internal temps daily when I wake up. Not literal temperature -- emotional temp. So I'm sitting here checking my internal vibe and came to find thus.

A snapshot peek at internal conversation across my Brain Board of Trustees.

---- SNAPSHOT OF CONVERSATION ALREADY IN PROGRESS --------------

I am good. Where earlier in the summer I was feeling all like this...

"Ugh. Not happy! Ugh! Sad! Ugh! Must endure the Ugh!

I am safe, I am not crazy, DH is right here, we agreed to this -- to be Open in Mind and Heart for a year of discussion.

Ugh! I am mourning loss! Ugh!

I have not lost anything. I am right here. He is right here. I am letting go of one thing with him so I can take hold of another with him.

Ugh. I feel like crying. Ugh. I feel like vomit. Ugh. I will endure. Ugh.

I am not crazy.
Ugh.
I am enduring internal weather.
Ugh.
It will pass
.

Ugh. I feel weepy. Ugh. I still want to throw up. Ugh.

He's right here and I will not punish him or act out at him over what is essentially internal static. This we both chose to do. And we're not doing anything but talking seriously.
Ugh.

He's not doing anything to hurt me or doing anything wrong.

Ugh.

I am not doing anything to hurt me or doing anything wrong.
Ugh.
I will endure.
Ugh.

Stop ughing and go do something constructive already! Clean something!"
------- END SNAPSHOT ------------

There's always something to clean. I always clean to defray anxiety. I also clean for fun, and I also ignore cleaning. But I always clean to defray anxiety. DH notes with humor that I have not rearranged the furniture in this house.

It's been a happy home. The only time furniture moves is because we bought a new furniture or an old one went away. I do not do it as displacement activity here to try to put a new order in my external world to try to create order in my internal world. Or at least create an outworld that doesn't add to the UGH of my internal world. In our first two apartments I was changing the furniture around all the freakin' time. Here? Our third home? Hardly ever.

If I am stable within I can tolerate a whole lot more mess without. If I am stable within, I don't feel the need to rearrange my without.

Today?

I'm sitting here quietly reviewing FACTS rather than PERCEPTIONS.

-------- ENTER NEW SNAPSHOT PEEKIES ----------

"Hrm. Strange. Lack of UGH factor. Where did that go? How are we?

(silence. No ugh)


I am fine. DH is fine. Actually we've both been enjoying more intimacy -- (heart) emotional intimacy in deep conversation and (body) physical intimacy in lots of sex. There's (mind) intimacy too in the conversations when they take academic turns rather than personal relationship ones. (Poly in general vs poly for ourselves).

(silence. No ugh)


Extending outwards -- it's led to me cleaning up some of my other relationships and getting a bit more formal there too. It's all been positives there.

(silence. No ugh)


Extending outwards -- it's led me to put other areas of my life in orders -- house, financial planning, I have estate paperwork to look at, volunteering. Changes for me in hobbies (ex: belly dance class exploring) and maybe school/career now that kid is aging and I can start changing the shape of the SAHM thing more easily.

(silence. No ugh)


So... was it worth the UGH factor?

Yes.


And did it kill me?

No.


Did we love it?

No.


Did we endure?
Yes.


Did it reaffirm I'm not crazy?
Yup.


Did it reaffirm that I know how to hold my own bag?

Yup.


Can I hold my own bag next time then? Even if the circumstances/situation is another thing?

UGHHHH! WHAT KIND OF SITUATION?! WHERE? WHEN?"
And whoo! There it is! The stomach UGH/wanna vomit/anxious feeling thing!

"Ugh. I feel ugh. Why do I feel ugh?


Because I put a stick in that bucket and stirred it up looking for ugh where there was no ugh. It was all clear just a minute ago. Thinking about anxiety makes me anxious.

Ugh. Ugh! Hate anxious!


I know this. I will firmly put that stick DOWN and stop stirring up UGH. STOP wittering. "

------- END SNAPSHOT ------------

And I sat here. Breathing. Deeply. Mentally backing away from that corner. Relaxing my muscles and not holding my body in tension.

I am not under threat.

And if I'm stirring up my own anxiety bucket, it's on me to fucking stop stirring it.

And in the quiet? When I'm dealing with only one channel of emotion -- anxiety? I can put the fucker down.

I can feel whatever it is but I can choose to act with intention and not feed it further.

Actually, I can manage several emotions at once in crisis -- anger, anxiety, sadness, etc. I grow cool, efficient, and single minded. Slash and burn, accomplish missions, worry about emoting later.

Done it before, I know I can do it again. It's just that I don't WANT to be doing high level triage all the time in polyship. Polyship is more about the wonderful for me than the horrible.

So keeping horrible to minimal slosh would be nice. I don't want to Open just to function at high triage all the time. Just because I can do, and do well, does not mean doing that is FUN.

And doing keeping horrible down to minimal slosh requires knowing my own damn self quite well -- no Muppet players, no stressy stupid that can be put down, clear communication, clear emotional (and stress!) management, clear limits and consequences.

And now from within my perverse internal Board of Trustees, the one raising a hand to speak is the committee member named "Annoying Wry Humor at Inappropriate Times."

-------Enter Snapshot --------

Yes? You wish to speak?
Yah. So if/when you Open and if/when you date and if/when you have committed to some new Honey.... are ya gonna be slamming the doors and stomping off in your car like you used to a billion years ago when you and DH were trying to figure out conflict resolution skills and how to fight fair in a newbie relationship?
I hate you. Smartass.
hahaha!
Yeah, probably. Sigh. We'll see. I suppose DH can give them the leg up and tell them really it's all cool until I start rearranging the furniture. That distracting me with humor helps. Being good at just Hard Truthing it to me helps. Calling me on my shit helps. Owning your own shit helps.

Because then I'm not punching my hand thru drywall. THAT'S not somewhere I want to visit again in any relationship.

Yah, but DH would help you patch it again if Other pisses you off that bad. It wouldn't be new experience there. HAHAHA.
Yah, he's a sweetie. Shut up, smartass. Let's just not HAVE to break out drywall repair gear to begin with. I don't need new endoscopy for new maybe ulcers.

-------End Snapshot --------

Heh.

GalaGirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-08-2012 at 02:14 AM.
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