I spent about two-and-a-half hours texting with Moonlight last night, flirty stuff, sexy stuff, delve into your soul stuff. She had asked if Fly knew how intense our relationship had become. I responded that he knew, but I didn't know if he really truly understood, but that he knows I love him and that he loves me and my happiness is important to him. She then asked me, "Do you love me?"
Moonlight has been telling me she loves me for about the last month. I've skirted the issue with "I adore you!" or "You're so important to me!" It's kind of out of character for me to be so pussyfooty, because typically I'm telling people I love that I love them all the time. In fact, it's not just an aspect of my personality, but a central tenet of my life philosophy: if you love someone, you need to verbally, unequivocally express it and not just assume that they know. I feel strongly that the kids in my class need to hear it, my family needs to hear it, my partners need to hear it, even my pets need to hear it.
And there's no question that I love Moonlight. It's a new love, different from what I feel for Fly, but it's real and true. So why haven't I said it?
I think a lot of it has to do with Fly. We were together for probably close to 2 years before he told me he loves me, and even now it's rare that he says it without me asking him to. For him, "love" is a word that's loaded with meanings and expectations, particularly when used in a romantic sense. He feels that it carries connotations of exclusivity, commitment, the whole one-and-only-for-forever-and-ever fairytale. His mindset is still deeply rooted in his monogamous upbringing, despite the fact that he knows that he's not built to be physically monogamous. He still feels sort of guilty about being open sexually sometimes, like it's deviant or something.
I have a feeling that I have some niggling, back-burner idea that he would find it strange or confusing for me to tell someone else that I love them. Not because he would be hurt or threatened by it - more that he wouldn't be able to wrap his head around it, or would be mildly disapproving. He's a very logical person, who keeps his emotions under control and subjugates them to his mental judgement and thought processes. I, on the other hand, am absolutely driven by my emotions, and I embrace intuition and feeling, far more than I would ever value logic. Fly and I are very alike in many ways, but this isn't one of them. I'm afraid he will think I'm using the word lightly, or letting my heart run away with me prematurely. I know this isn't true, but I dislike feeling like my measure's been taken and I've been found wanting. I'm not concerned that this issue would cause a fight or break a boundary - it's more that I just don't want to deal with his skepticism.
Anyway, I told Moonlight last night via text that I love her, and I'm looking forward to telling her again tonight in person. It felt wonderful to express how I feel to her, finally, and not try to dodge around the subject. I'll have to tell Fly this afternoon, and deal with the eye-rolling.
Otherwise, life is good. Punk texted me earlier to let me know he'd landed safely (he's on another business trip) and Kiddo survived his first day at a new school yesterday. Three weeks from today I'll be on a plane to NYC for the first leg of our giant vacation! I've been diligently playing my Spanish language learning CDs, and will now be able to tell everyone in South America that I don't understand Spanish