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Old 09-06-2012, 08:08 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,317

I'm not worried about your partner's partner Anne being weird. I'm not worried about your partner being weird with messed up boundaries.

I am worried about YOU tolerating all kinds of FRESH because YOU have weak boundaries/ethics. Or because you put him ahead of you in the hopes that he will do same one day. Or because you may be abused and stuck/trapped.

We decided honesty and disclosure were #1, and it has worked extremely well.
Announcing honestly and disclosing openly that people are going to behave beastly to you I guess is something -- you get one tiny point for being an honest meanie? Does not negate the huge shenanigans and FRESH going on here.

From your post you clearly can see bad news when it happens. It reads like a bad soap opera and you are "ok" with a lot of things I would NOT be ok with in an ethical, honest, loving polyship.

She apparently "liked me more than she wanted to" according to John. I guess it can be weird to meet your lover's live-in partner. They hooked up a couple of times while she was in town, and I tried to shake my bad feelings about her. (This is hard to do when the person is someone who has hurt you're love over and over again.) I tried.... I really did....
1) Why do you ignore your own LIMITS shouting at you from within to pay attention? Why do you want to turn that off and shake it away? Why pin it on her? She's the known Devil behaving like a known Devil. Is this a surprise?

2) What does John do to protect you from harm? While tempting to blame it all on the Devil, what is JOHN doing to protect himself and you (his current partner) from crazy weird people? To help keep BOTH your mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual healths in order?

3) What do YOU do to protect your own mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual healths? Since John is failing in this area? If he's going down with the ship, does that mean you have to also?

Knowing Anne is a Devil Ex -- did you try saying "NO WAY! THAT IS A HARD LIMIT!" at any of these points....
  • no facebook with bad ex
  • no pix and sexting with the bad ex
  • no seeing the bad ex
  • no picking up the bad ex and having her stay at your house
  • no sex with the bad ex

...because "This known Devil person messed you up, John. We went to therapy to cope with it. This person is BAD so keep zero contact or we break up. Hard limit here!"

Exes are exes for a REASON. So why is she not STAYING an ex? She might come sniffing around. Why does he say yes? Why do you say yes? Why do you stay with John?

This is even weirder to me and red flags.
He had her install a gps tracker on her smart phone, and CONSTANTLY checks up on where she is.
HE forces HER to install something on HER phone? She cannot say no?

Are you SURE she is the Devil in this soap opera? Because that is a control tactic to keep HER on a leash. He is stalkering her. That is not in keeping to the descriptions of her above. She may be a looney, but if SHE were the bitch she'd be GPSing HIS phone. Not the other way around.

If all you know about her comes from HIS mouth? "According to John?"

Be worried he isn't truthing and he's just making HER out to be Evil Incarnate when really she's another victim of his weirdo. Maybe he likes things just fine -- both of you dancing attendance on him unable to get away? He just plays the poor little ol' me card and everyone comes running to tend to his wants and needs and limits without him having to tend back in turn to your wants, needs, limits.

2. He is constantly in a bad mood, and doesn't have enough energy to meet my emotional or physical needs.
You know what? It is not selfish to want to protect your OWN mental health, emotional health, spiritual health, and physical health.

Get OUT of this drama relationship and find a nice, normal poly person to date instead who will be in right relationship with you. These people are weird and disturbing.

Polamory is about LOVE and the ability to love more than one person well. You are not being loved well. I'm not sure you are being loved at all.

I am also red flagging that you may not be able to do this -- say "NO WAY!" when you are being trespassed upon or be able to get away from Dramaville because you may be abused. I hope you are not being abused -- would not wish it on anyone. I sincerely hope I am wrong. But please see list at speakoutloud in case anything else reads familiar -- take it to highlighter. Tell your counselor about all these developments and take the highlighted sheet to them.

Get objective advice/support from counselor who is actually there. Ask them about the power/control wheel and the cycle of abuse wheel.

My heart is heavy for you.

I hope you are safe where you are and if not, soon able to get to where you ARE safe emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. You do not sound safe or in a healthy place.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-06-2012 at 10:06 PM.
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