My foul mood is starting to lift, slowly, slowly.
Things with Vix are still raw, and we have a lot of work to do. The big thing now, aside from just recovering from recent trauma, is that she would like to put back on the table the possibility of her moving to Germany with one or both of the girls next year, mainly to see if she can wean herself from asthma medications that are themselves causing chronic health problems.
The prospect fills me with horror and dread and yet, every time I try to articualte my horror and dread, it's taken as a sign that I'm some sort of insensitive monster, that I don't trust Vix's judgment.
I'm at a loss for what to do about that.
In the near term, though, we're starting to settle back into our partnership at home, though it's very difficult to feel or express a lot of affection just now. Vix has pointed this out to me - flung it at me, really - which has just caused further dismay.
Facing our predicament is like getting kicked in the stomach, again and again. I'm doubled over, gasping for breath, and being berated for not being open and affectionate.
As I said, we have a lot of work to do.
In the mean time, I'll be meeting Nyx for lunch tomorrow.She's been reading this thread, and was concerned I was planning to break up with her.
The funny, stupid thing is that I was convinced she would want to break up with me! I mean, what the hell good am I to her?
She and I need to work through a growing distance between us. In an email exchange with her today, I wondered whether the issue is that each of us is trying too hard to stay out of the other's way, to not cause chaos or disruption or added stress in the other's life. So, we don't ask or expect enough of each other.
We're both trying so hard to be low-maintenance that we're not maintaining anything!
So, she and I have work to do, too.
One thing I don't want to lose sight of as this mood lifts is the sense of responsibity it brought to the fore, the sense of seriousness in doing what needs to be done. But this also applies to the work of tending to the relationships that matter most to me, with Vix and the girls, and with Nyx.
I'm still feeling disoriented; the fog hasn't entirely dispersed, and there may still be darkness ahead.
But I'm trying to right myself, nonetheless.
"Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge" - Charles Darwin