Originally Posted by foundwanting
YouAreHere: How did you let go of that desire? It is absolutely like mourning a death. What was your grieving process for something like that? And the fear if it will ever feel like coming home is in perfect line with my own. How do you resolve that feeling when it comes up?
How did I let go of it? To start, I actually had to admit it, out loud, to him and his OSO (because of the resentment - I needed to have that talk with the both of them). Just getting it out was a HUGE step, as was hearing their words of support (and in some cases, apology). However, like a death, I don't know that the feelings are ever really, truly "gone". Sometimes, that wistful feeling pops up, and while it's not overwhelming, it's a bit sad.
However, another thing that helps is seeing that my relationship with my partner is a good one, regardless of whether or not there'll be a marriage or 24/7 living arrangement, and that's the important part.
How do I resolve the feelings about it potentially not feeling like "home" with him? I haven't gotten there yet, unfortunately. Given that my ex has primary custody during the week, and I have my kids on weekends, *and* I don't yet feel comfortable with my partner spending the night when the kids are there, we haven't yet been able to spend as much time together as we potentially have (his OSO and I have a schedule, goofy as it sounds, and we basically split time with him - he'll spend two days with me, then two days with her, etc.). Once we're there, and we're spending as much time together as we have, if it STILL doesn't feel that way, then that's going to have to be a serious topic for discussion.
I used to let it worry me more than it does, but it distracted me from enjoying what I currently DO have, and that became a problem. The worry won't help things in the long run, and it detracts from what I have now, so I try to just keep telling myself I'm not there yet. And for the most part, it seems to be working.
Gotta run (late for work? Oooooops!), but I hope this helps!