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Old 09-06-2012, 03:56 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,543

Originally Posted by NewGurl View Post
I am having a lot of difficulty wrapping my head around this relationship. I am surprisingly quite ok with the set up of our relationship and how often he sees both of us (every second weekend none of us have kids around, she has 1 night I have another and we see him during the week as well as none of us work). At first the age gap was an issue especially with my parents but now the main issue we have is experience. I have mainly only had one night stands before S and I am finding that I feel extrememly inexperienced and out of my depth when he and I talk about what we would like to try. I know a lot of this comes down to communication and we have both identified this as something we need to work on.
First welcome NG! I recommend noodling about on the forum and read what interests you. That is a fast way to get familiar with the lingo (unicorns! OPP!) and the types of relationships people have (lots of variety) and the problems people enounter (also varied but there are distinct patterns).

There are also a few books to read - Opening Up by Tristaine Taormino which is a great intro to ethical non-monogamy in general, not just poly. The other is Ethical Slut by an author whose name I forget. You will have no trouble finding it or Opening Up online. Some people really dislike Ethical Slut but I found it useful. There are quite a few good sites besides here. You will find those referenced frequently in threads.

Now to your question. To point out the obvious, the 22 year age difference is the reason why you two are having experience difficulties. I assume you mean sexual experiences but also romantic experiences? You are just beginning to explore what turns you on, what you like sexually, what you don't etc. Ditto for learning what type of relationship you want - not just poly vs. mono - but the whole range of needs, wants, goals, desires that define a relationship you can thrive in. Think about your ideal relationship(s) - what would it look like? Feel like? What draws you to that situation, those people, that arrangement, that life goal? Don't worry. You can (and will) change your mind! However this like lots of things can rally only be learned by experience, by time, and by experimenting.

Here are a few things I wish I had known when I was around your age. You may already know them but I sure didn't back in the day.

You are responsible for your own orgasm. Doesn't mean that others can't give you pleasure but that you are responsible for figuring out what turns you on. Your partners are not mind readers - tell them what you like and don't like. (And tell them if you don't yet know if this or that makes you wet.)

Consent counts. Seems obvious right? It's not automatically so. What you want to do (or not) is your decision. To have sex or not is your decision, no one else's. The kind of sex is also up to you. You set the limits, the boundaries of what you want to explore. And here is where it gets deep - to truly consent one must have the ability to say 'No'. Take responsibility and ownership over your pleasure, your sexual joys, your sexuality. That way your partners will know they can trust your 'Yes'. It's in that space where love, trust, faith and all sorts of yummy feelings can grow.

So again welcome. Good luck!
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