09-06-2012, 03:40 AM
Join Date: Jun 2012
DECISION MAKING: ON EMOTIONAL FLOODING, KNOWING AND STATING WANTS NEEDS LIMITS, FINDING ENOUGHNESS LINES, FINDING THE COMFORTABLE UNCOMFORTABLE
Sometimes when I talk to other people trying to help them, it is like I'm talking to myself and DH.
We're in the talking/sorting space.
This is good to remember while in that space as we figure out our own lines of COMFORTABLE uncomfortable and "enoughness."
(Meta: I really do think in recursive loops!)
(Excerpt from this thread.
Glad to be of service.
Originally Posted by foundwanting
GalaGirl: You have it all in order. The choice has been given to me, which is why I made my way here to find assistance. The weight of that choice was starting to close in around me. Thank you sincerely for breaking things down for me in such a digestible way that I can more clearly see the facts of this thing. Especially the reminder that choices can be made between two stinky options rather than good and bad.
BREATHE. If you are currently emotionally flooded, do not decide anything major just yet.
But perhaps make a small decision for yourself such as
Then go read things about emotional flooding and how to cope. Here's 2 places to start:
- I am emotionally flooded. I have decided to do some self care to cope with emotional flooding first.
- I will hold myself accountable and tell my polypeeps that...
- I am flooded, and doing self care: I already posted online about my problem. I will be doing ___ next to help me get a handle on it.
- I will check back in on ____(date)___. Then I'm not tempted to be all avoidy/shirky on this issue and they know I'm not shirky/avoidy. I'm processing quietly.
- In this time, what I need most from my polypeeps is (time? space? don't bug me while I'm thinking? Cookies? Something else?)
You can't make a good sound decision when overwhelmed.
Alright. You sound like you want to give the harmonious "V" thing a go then. And lose the belief rather than the woman.
Originally Posted by foundwanting
I'm not completely sure which way I'm leaning. I go back and forth. The old me would cut losses and try to be friends, but this past year has been an overwhelming opportunity for change in my life outside of this relationship, so I'm trying to figure out if these pains are, perhaps, growing pains. I'm willing to buck my trend for the sake of my own evolution as well as this girl being so incredibly dear to me.
So after you do your self care, if this is still the choice you are simmering on the back burner? And you are going to really invest in it and put it on the front burner?
Spend some time with yourself. You can google "change belief" and get all kinds of things for how to change core beliefs in a step by step fashion if you are not used to doing that kind of inner work.
You also spend time with yourself to KNOW you wants, needs, and limits from this harmonious "V" thing. Get them in order you can then STATE them to your polypeeps and enter the conversation of discernments so everyone steps up to the negotiation table with their cards and you work out what is best for all. You prob have to set an appt date so they have time to gather their thoughts in order. Figure something out that takes ALL of your wants, needs, and limits into reasonable consideration that is fair. The happy medium you can all be good with.
What do you want out of it? What do you need to feel safe in it? (Mental, emotional, physical, spiritual health buckets)
For instance -- do you need your open relationship model to come in a polyfidelitious shape -- where it is just the three of you and only the three of you? Is that a soft limit (for a time of X months/years and then open to change to deal with the others dating) or a hard limit (No WAY, Jose! NEVER more than the 3!)
Do you all communicate well in all your polymath tiers of this configuration? Deal with conflict resolution ok? How flexible are you as people grow, age, etc? Do you check in often enough with "state of the union" talks to get the temperature checks on how all feel/are doing along the way?
Have you done enough reading and learning on polyamory and common situations like jealousy? Division of labor/money/time?
You do not have to be perfect. You do not have to know all the answers before going there. You just have to know enough to feel ok enough / safe enough flying in a polyship and feel like when Life Happens, you and your polyship can roll with it with some confidence/grace and will help each other through it. Some of that comes with preparation, some of that comes with experience over time. Can't rush the experience over time, but CAN do some prep.
Where are your "enoughness" lines at? Some places will feel comfortable. Some won't. Do you have a place that is COMFORTABLY uncomfortable?
Figure it out.
Hang in there! Personal growth is challenging.
Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-06-2012 at 03:43 AM.