Who do I ask to move this to the blog section? I guess it is more suitable for there. I don't have to see it as an obligation... Guess that's more in my head. But maybe we can change the title to Vicki's Journey.
I am really glad that I went to see my lover. We wound up being together for two days, one at the beginning of his trip and one at the end (I had friends in the layover city and just stayed there).
The first day we mostly talked about some of the tough questions. Unfortunately our relationship is evolving and we have less control over it than either of us like. When we first met, his work took him to my city at least once a month for an overnight, but now that doesn't happen anymore. He also got promoted, so he's been insanely busy with work stuff, and their social life has been busier than ever on weekends. And the biggest issue is that his wife has a serious health issue and she is going for a checkup in a couple of weeks. Obviously if her check doesn't go well, he is going to need to spend more time at home. We've already been seeing each other less because the summer was so busy, so it's tough to think that we're going to get even less F2F time.
I know that I struggle with LD. I always swore I wouldn't do it. Physical touch is my strongest love language, and being apart from him for a long time makes my heart ache. Our communication has always been intense, since we talk every single day for hours, and that has helped our relationship deepen, but the lack of physical contact hurts me. I was really struggling over the 7 weeks between our last get together and wondering if I could even sustain the feelings or would I start to draw back emotionally because of the pain.
So now I find myself in this situation. L was supposed to be a one night stand... but we knew before we met it wasn't going to work out like that because we both wanted more. And we thought we'd get at least once a month via his work plus the occasional weekend when we realized we had feelings for each other. Now that may not be possible. And as a result of his wife's health issues, he doesn't have any idea when he'll be able to see me again. We really can't make any plans at all. It breaks my heart, and I'm in the exact situation I always swore I'd never been in. Although at least I have H, so I am not just pining away alone. I am sure I wouldn't be able to handle that.
So we saw each other last week for an overnight in a hotel, and we had sex but did a lot of talking. I didn't really feel like I resolved anything in my head because I still had a lot of the uncertainty, but at least we cleared the air and I let him know what I was thinking. I told him that I wanted a real relationship with him, that I want him to see all of me and not for me to hide whatever I think the bad parts are away. And I told him that I knew LD would be hard for me and asked for some things that I knew would help. In addition to all the other stuff he has going on, they've started a pretty big home renovation project so I know his talk time with me is going to go down quite a bit too, and I've been struggling with that.
I didn't really feel like it was much of a resolution after that, and for the days in between I was wondering if I'd been right to come. But fortunately I was able to stay long enough to see him on the way back, and it made a lot of difference to me.
We had only 12 hours together again, but it was one of the most wonderful nights of my life. I think that in my heart, I never truly believed that he loves me. I know I have issues with self esteem and perhaps I view myself as fundamentally unlovable, which is ridiculous since I have a happy loving marriage with my husband. But there it is.
But Monday night... the emotions in the room were palpable. We made passionate love and it was one of the best nights of my life. We cuddled afterwards and when he held me in his arms I just felt so content and happy. It was just perfect, every minute. And in the morning, we didn't have sex but just did a lot of cuddling and touching.
At the airport, we were both heading to different destinations but my flight left later so I sat with him at his gate until his flight was called. We couldn't really touch there even casually because we were in his hometown and didn't want to run into anyone who knew him (he's not "out"). When his flight was ready to board, we did hug and kiss goodbye before he left. He sent me a text from the plane apologizing for leaving so quickly but he didn't want to cry. I felt the same way. It hurts not to know when we'll be together again.
But how can I walk away from this? I know it's going to be hard, and that it's going to hurt. But he is really important to me, and I love him so much. Every time we're together, it's like all the sadness from the time in between just melts away. I smile when I'm talking to him and I'm happy just being with him. I can't let him go just because it's going to be tough sometimes.
It hurts that we won't be able to see each other often enough to do the kinds of fun things couples do. I would like to just hang out with him and do some platonic activities too, and spend time being friends (other than online). But that just isn't going to happen if we only get a weekend together every month or two; I'm sure we're going to go straight to bed and not get out. So I've been mourning that loss because I know it's not something he can give me in his current life situation.
And my deepest fear is that his wife is going to get a very negative report at her check up. I want him to be happy and to have a good relationship with his wife. I know having a sick spouse can take a big toll on your life. And of course I know his priorities would shift and I don't begrudge him that. If the roles were reversed I would expect him to understand that my family needed me. But the thought of losing him for "external" reasons breaks my heart. It's possible that he might have to end things and that is really scary to me.
For now, I'm just trying to take things one day at a time and enjoy what we have. He promised that he is still going to make time for me even when he's busy, because he wants to. I am not an obligation but a desire. And he really made me believe it that night. It really was a wonderful night and I just have to hold it in my heart until we are together again.
Last edited by Vicki82; 09-06-2012 at 02:03 AM.