Advice, poly etiquette, has he lost the plot?
Apologies for the length and the rantiness and thank you for your time. It is very much appreciated.
I need some advice and input from people who are experienced in these things and who can be objective about my current situation.
Summary: My partner of last 12 years and husband of last 7 and father of my two little boys has just told me he has feelings for a friend he used to 'know' from back before we met. (Thanks to damn Facebook after all these years!!!)
Warning: rest is a bit of a long rant but I need to get it off my chest. I have no one in my life close enough to discuss these. He was my best friend but seeing as he is the main culprit I can hardly talk to him anymore than I already *have. He says he is done talking about it anyway.
So, he told me this and then told me he still loves me and doesn't *want to leave me etc. Basically asking for permission for a poly arrangement sometime in the future. (not quite practical at this point of time due to distances involved).
He met her the other week*and said that confirmed his feelings.
We talked the night he told me and the next day I got more upset than I thought I was going to get and he apologised and we talked about the problems we have been having and how to rectify them and at this moment we are determined to work on the problems rather than getting things complicated.
All this is good but it just keeps whirling in my head and I can't stop thinking about his suggestion and I have no one to talk to about it. No one I know would understand even the existance of poly and hence would think badly of him. I don't want that so I am stuck posting on a board to strangers =\
I am aware of poly stuff. *I don't know too much but enough to know It is not for me especially at this point in time. I am not against it and I understand why people might go for it but not for me.
He should have known this. When he first asked me out all those years ago he specifically asked for a monogamous relationship even though he had a very colourful history behind him. I understand people can change but the more I think about this *the more it feels like an escape on his part to his past rather than a genuine desire for a poly relationship.*
He used to get so jealous and possessive, he would get pissed off if I hugged friends and I even ended a friendship for him in the past. When he made his suggestion I asked if that would mean I can go off with other guys and he said 'well dunno would have to think about it maybe' he did not seem pleased with the question at all. And I have no desire to either but had to see where he was drawing his lines and how reciprocal the arrangement would be.*
It all feels so one sided. It feels like he doesn't have the guts to leave me and the kids (2) and wants it all. Wife to do all the boring chores and looking after the kids and the house while he goes off having his fun on the side*.
The other thing that upsets me is that maybe it'd be better if it was just fun as we haven't been having much of that with a 3 year old and a 6 month old around! He says 'feelings' so maybe deeper but I am very jealous of the time and attention he may give to another when I have been yearning *it from him for years.
He is a good man but he is lazy. He never helps around the house or with the kids. He goes to work then comes home and sits in the corner with the computer or even better on the loo for hours whilst I hacen't been to the toilet or had a shower in peace and alone in the last three years. A lot of the time I feel like a single mother with a good income support coming in. I do everything for all of them and always put myself last and I get so so very tired physically, emotionally and mentally of course I get grumpy and not in the mood. Everytime I have asked for help it lasted a few days. We live on the other side of the planet from family and friends so have no support. Every time he talks about how nice it'd be to have family for help the way he phrases it is as if he is shirking of his responsibility as a father. They can do the work so he doesn't have to.
I was very surprised with the extent of the jealous ness I felt and how selfish I started to think when I have been so selfless regarding them all. I have given him breaks, lie ins have done everything for everyone. It counts for nothing that's *what it feels like. he has had it so easy but still feels like hard done by while I keep going like a robot. Everyone tells me I do too much and half the time I end up having to lie and defend him so they don't think he is as lazy and uncaring as he has been. I guess I am at fault here giving him a cushy life and causing disappointment when I didn't just give him the green light to go ahead just like that.*
I can't stand *the thought of him doing fun things going out to places investing time and energy with someone and not doing those things with me and taking time away from his kids he doesn't *spend enough time with anyway but still coming home to clean washing. Etc
I reckon he is in the middle of a mid life crisis. He has a boring job and a family that is hard work if he steps out of the toilet and yearns for the fun of uni days that was a decade ago.
He had a five day relaxing trip to a tropical location with his mother when I was 6 months pregnant leaving me alone with a toddler. I was fine with it hoping he would unwind and come back relaxed and make it up to me with helping snd being attentive. He came back slotted back to grumpy mode and threw things at me when I asked for support.
I am not perfect granted and I hold up my hand to my faults but no one is perfect. I love him despite his faults for one thing.
How can he have the energy and time to keep two relationships going one with young children when he didn't have the time to make me a piece of toast in the morning when I was suffering from morning sickness??
Am I unreasonably being anti-poly due to the emotional rawness of what has happened in just the last few days? Despite discussing different ways of it working for other people I told him I do not want to share him.*
Whether or not his feelings are genuine is it right to make such a suggestion under these circumstances? Should he not either try and fix the broken thing first or leave it altogether before getting a new thing on top?
Is he being too 'clever' with his 'plan'? Let's not wreck the family if we can but still make room for more! He is not the scheming sort but subconsciously he always ends up making a rash escape route decision.
Without thinking about the consequences.
The following might sound too petty but since the kids I have yearned for some time off just so brain doesn't turn to mush. He saw my twice a month knitting group too much hassle to look at what was the one kid at the time. But he goes to meals and fun days out with work, joined a society with social functions and has lots of kid free adult time. Now this feels like another to the list. You wifey stay at home do wifey things while I go off relive my uni fun days to supplement the domestic boredom.
Sorry it is very ranty and long but I have no one to speak to about all these things.*
I initially wanted to message the girl and with my initial anger I wanted something like 'go away' but then thought that's not very nice*
so wanted something more along the lines of 'be friends by all means but please don't complicate things for us' but then didn't do that either. Part of me still wants to say something but I can't decide if it is a good / right thing to do and if so what it should be. I think it is mostly in his head but she knows he likes her and she has been suggesting threesomes to us over and over lately so she is not entirely innocent. She is poly so will be used to stuff and considering their past she probably doesn't think anything is wrong with it but I am not sure. It has been 12 years and he is married with two kids. Should that not matter these days? =\. Was it right on her part to suggest the meet up the other week? He wouldn't have bothered if she hadn't he would have been too lazy to arrange anything! Lol
once we decided to work on improving our relationship he said he doesn't want to talk about it anymore and dwell on it. Within 24 hours we put a line under the polygate as I have already started to call it. We have had a few -gate moments in the past. But I am not sure if one can so easily dismiss something like that although what talking about it more going to achieve I don't know either.
Apart from boring all you folk that is.
Starting to think about relationship counselling but not sure if he would go along with it. It is going to be me nagging a lot and he hates that!