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Old 09-05-2012, 11:17 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
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Amusing side note.

Definitely some good, solid advice.

One other piece would be for you to define what exactly it is that you want from a relationship-in concrete action form.
Make a list of concrete actions that you need and ones you want in a relationship.

One thing that came to light for us (one mono and two polys) is that what we each THOUGHT we wanted, wasn't really what we wanted in our individual relationships.

For example, my mono actually sleeps best alone. He THOUGHT he wanted to be able to sleep with me frequently. But, he figured out that what he REALLY wanted was the cuddle time. So, he sleeps alone, but I go to his room and cuddle with him for the last couple of hours of his sleep time.

I thought I wanted everyone to live together-which is what we are doing. But, honestly, it feels claustrophobic at times and I think I would be much happier if we could own a large piece of property with a couple houses on it so we could each get away to some private-no family space more frequently.

Poly DH thought he wanted to have 2 nights a week to go date. But, he found out that he actually doesn't like that. It riles HIS insecurities. What works better if he has one evening and one morning-so he doesn't end up losing out on the "family time" that happens in the evenings (we have kids too).

So, really consider for yourself-you would prefer mono-TOTALLY GET THAT. But, what are the concrete actions that you correlate with a mono relationship?

Redpepper has a mono boyfriend. He lives with them-but he has a separate apartment with a locking door in their home. Because he needs a "place of his own" and some space and privacy.

Figure out what your hard line concrete needs are-which you correlate with monogamy-and then figure out if they can be met in a poly dynamic.

If for example-one is your partner not being in love with another person-that would be a NO WAY-can't mke that work in a poly dynamic.
But if one is having your own home-that is do-able.


Good luck either way!
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