This was invaluable support. Sometimes the internet, when not tearing people down, really does show the network of positive energy we are capable of. Thank you.
GalaGirl: You have it all in order. The choice has been given to me, which is why I made my way here to find assistance. The weight of that choice was starting to close in around me. Thank you sincerely for breaking things down for me in such a digestible way that I can more clearly see the facts of this thing. Especially the reminder that choices can be made between two stinky options rather than good and bad.
I'm not completely sure which way I'm leaning. I go back and forth. The old me would cut losses and try to be friends, but this past year has been an overwhelming opportunity for change in my life outside of this relationship, so I'm trying to figure out if these pains are, perhaps, growing pains. I'm willing to buck my trend for the sake of my own evolution as well as this girl being so incredibly dear to me.
CielDuMatin: Your description of happy vs net happy makes a lot of sense. Sense that's hard to come by when you're mired in the thick of it. Thank you.
YouAreHere: How did you let go of that desire? It is absolutely like mourning a death. What was your grieving process for something like that? And the fear if it will ever feel like coming home is in perfect line with my own. How do you resolve that feeling when it comes up?
A side note that is funny in that having to laugh through the pain sort of way... On my desktop is a letter that I wrote to her on Valentine's day and for whatever reason (maybe just laziness, or fated laziness) I titled it 'V'. I discovered this directly after posting at 2am when I closed my browser and it was in my direct line of vision. I just had to stop for a moment and let the tumultuous soup of emotions (anger, sadness, confusion, loneliness, etc.) sit down with perspective and have a nice picnic.