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Old 09-05-2012, 02:56 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
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I do appreciate your dilemma - loving two people and wanting to make sure that both are happy and get what they need, and making sure that the way you divide your energies is equitable.

This is one of the areas where communication if vital - if you start getting into the second-guessing what they may need, you will drive yourself crazy. unless you have an ability that you are hiding, you are not a mind-reader. You should not be expending time trying to pick up on subtle hints about what people need.

How to make that happen? As a group you have to train each other. That means encouraging everyone to speak up if they have a need - if they don't say anything, then they don't have a need. Easy to say, I know. But you have to sort of train yourself out of this mode of working so hard at something that you're not sure what you are doing.

The problem with specific ideas is that they tend to be specific to an individual - while one person may enjoy going out for a romantic dinner to a restaurant, another would enjoy more going to a bar, yet another having a home-cooked meal with a bottle of wine. So you really do have to listen to what your partners are telling you, and they have to tell you.

It is also vital that you don't assume that just because it's something that you would like it is what they would like. There is an interesting concept that has been around for a while called "Love Languages" - the idea being that there are 5 different basic languages of love - Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. Each person puts different weightings on each. The idea is that you need to know which of the 5 your partner prefers in order to make them feel loved.

Check out http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ which has more information and some assessments you can take - I encourage your partners to take them too, and for the three of you to share your results with each other. That might help give you a language and a structure that you can use to more effectively show your affections to them.

Hope this helps.
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