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Old 12-11-2009, 06:15 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I am wondering if that connection was lost somehow due to the fact that you were deployed for parts of your married life? I have heard you say before that it damaged the connection you have with your daughter because you weren't around when she was little as much as perhaps other dad's can be, but how did it, or did it, take a toll on the relationship you had with your wife? .
Interestingly enough, I donít believe the loss of connection was due to any absence. I think it was an accumulation of years of not being connected to myself. I donít feel we drifted apart during even 6-month deployments. There was one trip that that happened but it was precipitated by other out of the ordinary stuff in our lives.

My absences definitely played apart in my not fully bonding with my daughter during key times of her life. Especially when she was between the ages of infant to 2 and about 10 to 13. It seems as though one day I was the focus of her attention, her hero and then the next day it was gone. I had a hard time adjusting to her transitioning from child to young woman for lack of a better word. I remember going to sea one time and her hair was all the way down to her butt. I came back after 3 months and it was cut just below her ears..I felt cheated, like something was taken away from me. I could no longer braid her hair on the couch.

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I would wonder how poly would work for a married couple if one was away so much? How would a deep connection could be achieved? I struggle to understand this as I have never lived it and am of the view that I would not be able to achieve any long term depth with a person if I or they were away so much, poly relationship or not. Especially a poly relationship!
I think it would:
a) take a very unique and strong person to be in a marriage with someone in the military,
.... and
b) an even more unique and strong person to be POLY and be in a marriage with someone in the military..
A) you are right Ė it takes an extremely independent and strong partner to support anyone gone for months at a time. Not all partners are and we see this a lot. You have to be prepared to raise a family, manage a household and possibly maintain a career as well while the other person is gone for up to a year in extreme cases. Usually deployments for me were between 3 to 6 months.

B) Being in a poly relationship and deploying is something I cannot comment on. I havenít done it nor do I intend to try it LOL!

Relationships that include long absences can be no less deep than those that never do. Distance means nothing for some people. I "feel" connected to some people by just knowing they are there. Like my parents across the country. I almost never miss them..they are simply there. I don't actually need to see or touch them to be connected.

After a few deployments my ex wife and I simply flipped a switch when it came to me going away. We turned off the yearning part and simply knew we were going to come together again. At first it was painful but you train yourself for these absences. This 'flipping of the switch" is a tool I use in other areas of my life as well.

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I have heard that it is not acceptable for relationships to develop with other military members while deployed... this above quote sounds more like an "open relationship" with a spouse at home might work better. What about those who are away, would it be better if that "no relationships" policy were not there? Would there be more freedom and less broken families? My mum works for the military in Child and Family services, or did, and she quite often talks bout the broken homes as a result of deployment.... again... any thoughts?.
Although there are regulations, which either discourage relationships within the same deploying units and others that flat out forbid it under some circumstances, these things happen. Affairs happen and marriages end. There is also the whole issue of military rankings, positions of authority, favouritism, and the ability to assess people from an unbiased standpoint. The military has a saying.."we defend democracy, we don't practice it". To say that not allowing people to form relationships in any work environment is unfair is to not understand the military environment. We have to assess our friends and coworkers, which impacts their careers. If someone is seen as having an advantage because they are in a relationship with a senior member breeds contempt and anger from their peers just like it would anywhere.

Great questions Lilo, hope I answered them somewhat

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