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Old 09-05-2012, 06:06 AM
Violet1 Violet1 is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Thanks so much everyone for taking the time to respond. I am already feeling like I have a better handle on things. I would like to keep the conversation going if I can..

Quote:
Originally Posted by katja24 View Post
I can empathize with your situation. I think one of the most important things to do first is to validate your own feelings. They might not be rational or logical or "fair" to your bf, but they are your feelings.
Thanks for that, I think both of us need to remember that. Just upon reading it, I realized, yeah, why am I beating myself up about feeling what I feel? They are valid emotions that can be worked through. I think on his end, he needs to remember to validate my feelings as well, and not to allow me to think that I'm wrong in what I feel, even though its inconvenient for him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
And what if you go out with friends and still keep on thinking about them?
Quote:
Originally Posted by katja24 View Post
I understand your wanting to be able to also be engaged socially (or at least mentally while at work) while he is, too. That is my preferred mode of experiencing separate dates and partners. But I think it is also extremely important to realize that this probably is not very realistic to do this long-term.
It feels good that at least someone shares my point with wanting to be engaged socially.The reason why I would prefer it that way is because we have done that, where he goes out with her and I go out separately, and it has been a much better experience for me. That way, both of us don't feel like the other should be texting them more, or feel guilty that we don't have time to send texts to the other, because we're both engaged socially. That is part of the issue. In the past when I've had to work and he doesn't, he texts back and forth with me all night because he knows how boring our job can be.

I understand that the ideal is that I don't get to dictate when and how he conducts his relationships, but we're not poly veterans here. This is very new to us, and I don't think it is wrong for us to have some boundaries as we work our way into this relationship style, and as Nudibranch said, he should be wanting to help me cope with transitions as needed. I do understand that it's not realistic to expect that this always be the case, but as I said, we're new to this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nudibranch View Post
I can think of a hundred reasons why I might not want to be out struggling to earn a living while my partner was playing afternoon delight. I can't imagine having, or keeping, a significant other who lacked the self-control and maturity to consider my feelings in that way.
EXACTLY. And yes, my unprocessed jealousy shouldn't get and keep the upper hand. But thank you for articulating what I couldn't find the words for.

Quote:
Originally Posted by katja24 View Post
It is also very important for me to at least respect my partner's secondary partners. If you think she is annoying, perhaps that is getting in the way of your ability to go with the flow. But I would recommend thinking about it this way: if you and your bf are usually on the same page about friends and other people in your lives, then at some point her annoying tendencies will get to your bf as well. You just need to ride the wave, and let him reach his own conclusions in his own time. (Of course you also need to see the possibility of this person staying around longer-term)
I am probably having trouble going with the flow because yeah I'm not crazy about her. I guess the thing is that he has said also that he thinks she is a bit annoying, immature, and whiny. Maybe he is just agreeing with me for the sake of agreeing. But this is what I got out of what he's said: He's 34 (she and I are both 22), and he isn't going to have that many more opportunities to sleep with a hot young woman. (besides me I guess? ;P) Which I can understand. And he's kind of shy and I know it's hard for him to talk to ladies, so since she came onto him he probably feels he needs to hang onto her. Maybe my issue is that I am surprised at seeing him behave as more of a typical man, willing to put up with the annoyingness in order to have sexual access. I haven't seen that side of him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
And to be honest, on some level I think it probably bugs you that while YOU cannot have more than fun flings on your side of the equation -- he can and is developing something more with this woman you don't even like. So how come you cannot with someone you DO like? For yourself?
Yes, it totally bugs me. Because I can't have more than a fling with a man. I can and do have a very good girl friend of a couple of years that I have had a crush on for ever, and I am pretty sure she feels the same, we just haven't quite gotten to the next level yet. And he's completely fine with me having this love for my best friend that I'm interested in pursuing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Because while he's trying to limit YOU in that arena, you are now wanting to limit HIM in another.
Well, yeah. He says I can't have a relationship with a guy, and I say he can't fuck her while I'm at work. I would really like to be able to have the option of actually getting to know the guy I'm sleeping with. But I am okay with giving that up. So shouldn't he be willing to give up having sex with her while I'm at work? Or should we both learn to let go of those boundaries altogether?
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