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Old 09-05-2012, 04:00 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,537

BOOKMARK: The language of "shoulds"

More inner ramblings. I had a good day. Lots to think on. Doing my rounds of my village.

Today ANOTHER friend vented at me all kinds of things that are bugging him. He says he feels like he leans too much on me.

I told him that's on me to state and report. My limit.
  • I have the responsibility to know and state my wants, needs, and limits.

He could just hold his own baggage and could expect me to own my own baggage and trust that when I get too full, I will firmly say "Dude! Enough! I'm filled up here. Bookmark that for me to digest later, I've gotten to capacity here already. Limit reached! Talk next week!"

I had to remind him not to cross that boundary -- denying me my right to own my own responsibilities in relationship. Do not assume or presume. Let ME hold my own bag. If I did not want to be in conversation with you and listen to your hooha, why would I be talking to you? I can walk away. I want to own my end of the deal. Let me own it!

Part of his prob is he takes on all kinds of pre-thoughts, what-ifs, and "shoulds" and ends up clouding his own mental channel with needless static. He's trying to learn not to do that. As a friend, I try to give him the air time to practice.

The business of being in right relationship to people -- whether it is family, friends or romances... this is part of the whole Human Condition. Ditto the business of being in community.

Sharpen skills on friends, dude. They are safe, they are known quantities, they will forgive you your trespasses, and hand you your ass firmly and compassionately when you need to GROW.

So will ORE partners. But you won't get to the ORE place in romantic partners if you plod on like a dunderhead thru the dating phase and once the crack of NRE fades a year or so in... then what? Do you have good communication skills with this new romance person or what? can't say boo about their end of the sticks -- but have YOUR sticks been sharpened and held up?

That you do have control over.

Avoiding interaction because it is "too hard" -- lame. How can it ever get easier and you grow the skills if you do not engage and try to stretch? (My depressed SAHM friend is struggling there. It's ok to take a break when full. To check out permanently? What's that all about? You have become the dead and to stupid to fall over?

We all need time out breaks in the game of Life, but sooner or later you have to get back in it or grow stale.

Get thee to medical help if you have capital "D" Depression and sort yourself out. Otherwise - play ball and stop bitching you have no skills. PRACTICE so you can grow them then! Get some skills! You can read a book and take a class but sooner or later -- you must actually be amongst people to exercise it!

It is only in the Human Simmer brushing up against Other People (and their random unpredictable) that we get hammered and shaped into our best selves. You get to learn where you CAN handle relating situations. You get to learn where you still need work in your relating.

Why am I not a lurker on this board any more? So I can be hammered and sharpen my polyamory skills.

I'm giving back as best I can to help create positive community. What's my take away? Having to deal with easy people, harder people, really challenging people -- via "safe" posts.

Because if/when I get to the dating place again I'll be dealing in same in real time when I do not have the luxury of internet stranger distance. Sifting through the dating pool to seek/find my next honey will be all up in my face. And in my DH's face.

And I'll be dealing with him dating and all that ensues. I'll have to relate to metas, won't I? Why ostrich and avoid?

It's fine to want only Jedi players and not Muppet Show nutjobs.

But Jedi players still ENGAGE -- they don't stand around doing thing. And it is not a duel to the death. But what is poly but edge play of the heart? "Play well -- RELATE!" (Rather than "En garde!" )

Other people are like mirrors -- they hold you up to Yourself so you can see your strengths and weaknesses without the subjective POV clouding your vision.

I told my friend M. this weekend -- some people are gonna like me. Some are not. Some won't care one way or the other. SO WHAT? Aren't there enough people in the world so everyone can find their place to be in? Their best people to be with?

It's not like I can keep up with all of them or want to be tight with all of them. I'm content to stick the ones I choose that feed me in a positive way -- esp those that push me to grow, call me on my own shit, hold me accountable.

Even with the drama of my abused friend. It's a challenge to be in relationship with her right now. Because I get torqued off at the situation and I have to keep reminding myself it is NOT MY FIGHT TO FIGHT.

I have to be her friend while guarding my limit that I want NOTHING to do with her partner. I tell her this. That's her deal to solve, but I wasn't friends with partner before and I'm not gonna be now. I disapprove of his inappropriate behavior and whether it stems from a place of evil or a place of mental health problems and him needing medication --I do not know and I do not care.

To keep ME emotionally safe I need to stay the fuck away from trigger people like him. That is my HARD LIMIT.

But I can be her friend -- she does not trigger me, and she's basically a decent person. I can't stand her situation and would not wish it on anyone, but her current situation is not her. So I do my best, ask her for her buckets and report my own.

I report when my limits are in sight -- "I'm 5 min from blow, I'm full now!" And we back off and talk about something else to take brains off hook. I keep pointing to professionals to aid her but I get the value to also steam valving to friends.

And she gets some support in a taxing time of her life. And me? What's my take away? I get to support her and I get to learn to hold my own leash well so when it is MY turn for a taxing time I can police my own self well.

The SAHM friend asked me why I don't just dump her. That she's too much trouble and she worries about my well being. Well, should I dump the depressed friend too then? Because SHE is too much trouble? None of them have done anything to break the rules of being in right relationship with me. I'm supposed to dump friends because we're in stormy weather?

The Human Simmer is the struggle together. What are friends and romantic partners if not people to struggle with together? Who needs fair weather floozies?

My widowed friend I checked in on recently. She reports she's getting close to the "unload on friends now" place -- she's had to spend Hang Time at the Forge grieving with therapists first. Who expects to be widowed so young? Nobody. Life just IS. Should I dump her in her time of need because it is too much trouble?

I know my Hard Limits. I'll guard them.

My dad is weak with emotion skills and he always goes on about "people bringing problems" but even he seeks out the relatives and friends after secluding himself for a while. It isn't so much that people bring problems. It is that Humans are social critters, and no man is an island. Some are extroverts and need a LOT of contact in the Human Simmer pool. Some are introverts and need less. But we all need the dip.

The Human Simmer.

Both wonderful and horrible. We do not have to take on more than we can chew. We have the right to Choose who we want to be in Relationship with and what format that relationship is -- friend, lover, business, something else. We can Choose when to end that relationship. All relationships come with a clock attached. We don't have to tend all gardens forever. You do get dirty sometimes though. It is what it is.

Polyworld is a part of that Human Simmer I choose to be in and live in. It is both horrible and wonderful.

Life moves fast. Keep up, play ball, love your people Hard! Love them intensely, and love them in hard times too. Guard your own limits.

Play well like Jedi, not Muppet show.

En garde -- RELATE!

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