Sorry to ramble....i am feeling very hurt and confused. As I had posted in a different thread - I felt rejected when he brought home a straight woman and said here deal with it - this is all you can have???
He is being less than ethical. Your feelings are not unreasonable to experience in this situation you are in.
You list your choices as thus:
I think that he doesn't really understand that this is a partnership - it is almost to the point where regardless of what I do/say I lose. If I say I want to see another man - he will say divorce --- if i say fine then let's close up our marriage - he will continue to badger me about having another woman.
If this is what it is?
Here are your choices:
YOU DIVORCE. Because he wants to treat women as THINGS and not PERSONS with wants, needs, limits and VOICES of their own. You break it clean and then start dating when you are ready. His business is no longer your business. You win freedom over yourself and your decisions and freedom from his wacky.
YOU CLOSE AND STAY MARRIED. You were promised a monoship (is this right?) at the start so you return to the original contract without
badgering from him. And you have a hard limit of badger me again we just break up because we do not agree. You win freedom from wacky and hopefully freedom from badgering. (Even if the hard limit is activated and you break up despite trying to stay together.)
YOU CLOSE TEMPORARILY. Because he and you want to open in a HEALTHIER way. You both seek counseling to work on this and communication skills while being CLOSED. Then work to Re-Open once the needed skills as mastered. Right now he thinks his way goes, and that is "partnership" in a marriage. That is not partnership. You win an improved spouse that treats you as an equal partner. You win new skills for yourself. You might even win a new polyship arrangement that suits both. Cupcakes for all!
YOU STAY OPEN. You just start dating without his input. Because he refuses to discuss it in a sane way and you will just do what HE does then. Move it forward without taking his temperature. Just like he moves it forward without taking yours. Is this going to be a DADT? Or just a petty tit for tat thing? Or what? (Not my fav option for myself -- I rather break up and deal with that than go on and on with wacky. But you'd win moving it FORWARD if nothing else. Even if not the most graceful solution -- it changes and moves forward and comes to a head.)
Sigh. I do not envy your position. It's not fun to pick. But I can't see what other choices there might be here.
If a partner REFUSES to engage in meaningful constructive conversation, you don't have a give-and-take two-people relationship. You have a one sided thing.
And you don't have to stay around for that.