Originally Posted by redpepper
If he decided to be poly she would have to be part of my life and he would not want that. He doesn't think we would get along. He would have to choose if that is the case and I wonder sometimes if that is why he chooses not to take on poly with her. He could push it if she meant that much. Couldn't he?
RP, I am just wondering if this idea is really something you are more flexible about than you think. What does it mean to you to be "part of your life"? I know you spend a lot of time with metamours and that metamour friendship is an important part of how you do poly, but do any of your partners have partners that you don't see or that you've just met briefly?
If Mono wanted to tackle poly, and his involvement with somebody just meant he'd be out of the house a few days a week for dates elsewhere because he felt more comfortable keeping things segregated, would that affect you in any other way than you might be lonely because he wasn't around as much?
This just made me wonder if you look differently at a new partner who happens to have a lover who doesn't want to hang out with you (as in not your ideal, but its fine because you know what to expect going in), vs how you are with Mono, because if he had a new partner you'd be much more comfortable if they fit into the framework/family you have that already exists, so that unknown is much more scary if even his poly might be exclusionary instead of inclusionary.
Is there a way you could meet this woman? Go out of your way to pick them him up while she'll be present or something? I just get the feeling that if you did even just get the chance to say hi to each other, things might get clearer for all three of you.
And I too would think that other circumstances in the future could lead to a situation like this for him again. I don't know how much of a loner Mono is, if his current leaning towards still feeling firmly monogamous after this long in a relationship with you is actively about not being poly, or wanting/wishing to spend a majority of his time with someone he loves.
It seems there is a lot of group time for your loves/family/friends in order to be able to be able to get face time with the people you all want to spend time with. With retirement coming up and your dating more and have less exclusive time with him, he'll have more time on his hands. If part of the struggle is having less time with you where he feels like he's your main squeeze those days/nights and it requires more shared time to get to be with you, then that's another thing that will need to be addressed if he hasn't thought about how that will impact him. You probably have talked about what that will look like or if it will become an issue, but maybe you haven't since the focus may have been on this female friend and what's going on there instead.