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Old 09-04-2012, 05:27 PM
Nudibranch Nudibranch is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: PNW
Posts: 36

Invi, I felt a sense of warmth reading your original posting because it is a fascinating topic for me as well--triggers, what they're about, and how to work through and with them.

With my partners, my own triggers (as well as theirs) have formed some of the most tender, deep, complex moments we've had. I've learned about myself that something "is a trigger" in inverse proportion to my feeling I can talk about it. That is, the less I feel I can talk about the issue, the trigger is sharper and more problematic. To put it another way, when I sense a trigger, it points me to precisely the issues that need to be aired and resolved.

I'm coming from the same place as GalaGrrl and Indie, though perhaps a little more so. I'd say that at this juncture in your lives you and your mate have only one polyrelationship--i.e., relationship outside your dyad partnership--to consider right now. That is your relationship with that small human being you created. That is brand new, in its early and crucial stages. It must be laid down with all the attention, care, and tenderness two people can raise.

You say that your partner isn't, or wouldn't be, interested in closing to other relationships at present, which to me says he wants to reserve the power to neglect the primary other-than-mate relationship (with the baby).

So what is he really looking for in "polyrelating"? Depth of relating, or something that feels good (NRE-ish) on his terms? Whatever, I'd say he's evading being fully present for his child.

I do realize that needs of a relationship such as with a fully dependent infant simply aren't as much fun as the excitements of NRE or an obsession with a new lover.

So I wouldn't recommend "hypnosis for your triggers." I'd recommend couples counseling, because it comes across to me that the two of you have created a new life but aren't in full agreement about where that comes in the overall scheme of your attentions. You saying "I'm content to hold the baby most of the time" was a red flag for me. You shouldn't have to ask for help. Your partner should be there, 150%.

This may be me projecting my own views onto you: that when two people create a new life, nothing comes before attending to it. IME "polyrelating" can be an excuse some people use to evade that. An infant human needs parents who are in agreement, and pulling together, with their focus on the human they've created. If one of them is finding more important things to do with his/her time, and the other is excusing that, it's going to lead to a trainwreck eventually. In fact I'm less inclined to call your reactions "triggers" than prescient moments of dread to see just how low fathering rates in your partner's total mindspace, from your perspective.

By the way, staying up all night stewing about your feelings is no longer an option for you. Your child needs you rested, focused, and ready to be responsive as well. I know it's hard to quell the mind when it's full of demons...but your child needs positive energy and attention, full responsiveness from its caregivers, and to be put first. With all due respect, it sounds to me like "polyrelating" isn't what's really at issue here, it's you and your partner needing to have The Talk about what it means to be parents. You two no longer come first.

Last edited by Nudibranch; 09-04-2012 at 05:32 PM.
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