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Old 09-04-2012, 04:21 PM
katja24 katja24 is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 46

I can empathize with your situation. I think one of the most important things to do first is to validate your own feelings. They might not be rational or logical or "fair" to your bf, but they are your feelings. I think it is also admirable that you can recognize how your feelings are impacting your physical health. I, too, feel my feelings not just in my head but in my whole body, and anxiety/insecurity/feeling excluded all go straight for my stomach.

I understand your wanting to be able to also be engaged socially (or at least mentally while at work) while he is, too. That is my preferred mode of experiencing separate dates and partners. But I think it is also extremely important to realize that this probably is not very realistic to do this long-term. And I think what AnnabelMore said may help you out: recognizing that at least the time he spends with her while you are at work isn't taking time away from the time you can spend with him. I think you could also request that while you two are together, he isn't taking time away from you to be texting/calling/emailing her.

It is also very important for me to at least respect my partner's secondary partners. If you think she is annoying, perhaps that is getting in the way of your ability to go with the flow. But I would recommend thinking about it this way: if you and your bf are usually on the same page about friends and other people in your lives, then at some point her annoying tendencies will get to your bf as well. You just need to ride the wave, and let him reach his own conclusions in his own time. (Of course you also need to see the possibility of this person staying around longer-term)

I think it will be important for the two of you to also address what each of you is allowed to do. If you want relationships, and not just one-night stands, with other men, then you have the responsibility to tell your bf that.
29 yr old queer woman with primary male partner, J
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