Thank you all for responding.
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance
I had issues with the phone, very similar to what you describe. I did ask that meal times, bed times and our date times are 'just for us'. So, no answering messages, no phones on. That has made a huge difference and I found that I am not triggered even half as often by the sounds and interruptions now that theres a guaranteed time they don't occur.
I'm glad I'm not the only one.
I had a bit of a breakdown tonight, which really was unexpected because I had just been talking to an online friend about how well I've been handling things lately, and the progress I have made.
I guess I was thinking a few too many negative thoughts at once, was dealing with too much stress, and then the texting started up and I just had to leave the room.
This led to him asking me what was wrong, repeatedly, until I could squeak out every little thing I could think of that was bothering me, including the texting. I made sure to remind him how it bothers me when we are talking, watching a movie, or when he has said he wants to spend time with me. Apparently we have different ideas of what constitutes "quality time" and we are going to work on finding a middle ground there.
Originally Posted by NovemberRain
I prefer dismantling triggers, when I can. Hypnosis is an incredible tool for that. Not the stage hypnosis you're prone to see in your town. Real, therapeutic, one-on-one hypnosis, with an experienced, well-trained person.
Personally, I've enjoyed lots of hypnosis on CDs, and now, much is available for download, right into your device of choice.
I also work with some folks who eliminate beliefs that are not serving. I was damn near hysterical recently, when my boss left, and i had to do his job (as well as mine). I had one session, and haven't had a moment's anxiety since. I didn't realize that I HAD anxiety before that. But after it was gone, I realized it was missing. I feel SO much better.
I'm hoping at some point to see a counselor/therapist of some sort, but as it is, I don't think our insurance covers it, and we certainly can not afford it out of pocket. Maybe I'll look online for some of those hypnosis CDs. I don't know how effective that would be with me, though. It is my understanding that you have to believe in hypnosis for it to work, and well, I've always been a skeptic.
(I say this a week after trying EFT, though, and while I am not sure that works either, at least it was distracting? heh.)
Originally Posted by Avatar
Phones in general can be a sore spot, when overdone. Skye I'm sure is nodding emphatically, especially given that I use mine almost exclusively, in place of a computer. Work, personal stuff, this post, etc. So, one thing that may be worth asking yourself before taking action is if the primary issue is the amount of messaging, or the messaging itself. If the former, then perhaps working on that first and seeing where the other ends up is the better option. In our home, I do try to limit it on my own, with varying degrees of success. Sometimes, I need the reminder from Skye.
This reminds me of something from the discussion we had earlier.
He used to have a smart phone. He could do all his texting and web browsing on there, and often chose it over his slow, desktop computer. He recently had to turn off his smart phone and go back to using an old flip phone to reduce his bill so that we could get by more easily.
He used to use his phone to check his OKCupid or whatever site messages, so I never knew the difference of when he was texting or posting on forums or responding to emails or.. anything. And I think that helped. A lot. He pointed this out to me earlier, and now it makes more sense to me. He also was able to do these things on his phone when he was out of the house, so he spent a bit less time doing them at home than he does now.
Obviously, this doesn't make me not upset when he is multitasking, as he put it, at home when I would rather he be fully present.
Again, I'm hoping we can reach a more comfortable middle ground, because he didn't seem to realize exactly how much this was upsetting me, even though I had mentioned some of it being bothersome in the past.
I know the messaging itself bothers me. I really wish we had opened this in a better way. The way it was brought up and gone about was rough and unpleasant, and that is one reason it took so long for me to really start working on my issues with it. I guess I'm still not fully okay with it. I am in theory, but in practice.. ugh.
The frequency just exacerbates it, I guess.
Either way, I continuously tell myself they are just talking, just like he would to any friend back where he came from.
Same thing with sex. It's just sex. It's not like he hasn't had sex with other people before. Why should it matter if it's past or present?
Getting slightly off topic there, I guess.
Originally Posted by nycindie
Ugh, consider this... you are new parents. You have a lot of hormonal surges and a new little human being to bond with and take care of. Many poly people take a break from engaging in other relationships when there is a new baby in their lives.
Instead of placing blame on yourself and thinking you are not handling your "triggers" well enough, consider the possibility that your irritation rises up because this simply is not the right time for him to be focused on having liaisons with other women. You and your baby need him!
You cannot be left (abandoned?) to parent alone if you have a partner. Is he stepping up and doing what he needs to do to share in responsibilities at home? If so, then, okay, maybe have one day a week for a date with someone else, BUT if pursuing other women is an escape from the scary responsibilities of being a new dad and he's leaving you high and dry to do it all by yourself, then he is being a total cad and you should not tolerate that!
You two need to get down to the nitty-gritty in your communication and come together as two new caregivers of a child.
He does what I ask of him when he is home, assuming he is not dead on his feet. He has some health issues that cause fatigue, so he is not always able to help when I would like him to, aside from just holding our son.
He knows (I restated this to him today), that I would find it helpful if he would offer to take the baby more often, instead of waiting for me to ask him to so I can cook dinner, do laundry, etc, or playing with the baby while I am holding him. There for a while, no matter what mood he was in, the baby would scream whenever I handed him to him, so I think there may be some residual fear there that whenever he takes the baby, he's going to end up holding a wailing little boy.
He understands that I am home with our son almost every waking moment, that I have no other help with him, and that this can be rather hard on me.
I don't think he goes out as an escape. I fully believe it is for other reasons. If it were because of stress at all, it'd be because of his job, and finances, not baby responsibilities. He goes out for fun, for experiences, not escape.
I do not think he would be open to the idea of closing, currently.