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Old 09-04-2012, 09:43 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
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I'm feeling devil's advocate tonight...if I did something that hurt my boyfriend, even if it affected his other relationships, I probably would apologize extensively to him, perhaps repeatedly, but other than saying I was sorry for his partner, I wouldn't apologize to them specifically, because I am not friends with them (much to my dismay, but since we are not, it would be creepy to pursue them and inflict an apology on them against their will... note - if it was an STI or something, I would probably go directly to them to apologize, but other than that, an emotional issue, probably not. I have NOT read previous posts so my response might not particularly pertinent.

About that look... well I'd like to keep things separate, I look at my husband like X, I look at my boyfriend like X, those things are moments in time. where things feel good, its awkward to feel like you're invading privacy or space when its a good moment between others, but we all have those for those we love. If you are still finding it making you stressed, I'd have a talk about attending events in the future where you are not the primary date, to work out with them that you get a 30 minute mini date in the middle of the event where it's just you and him (this wouldn't work for everybody, but I know when my partner and I picked up his date to go to an event ..it was fine then overwhelming, then the rest of the night was stressful because of lack of communication about just what was supposed to happen (I think it could have easily been worked out with a couple minutes of privacy, but in poly a lot of situations pop up where it is just hard to make that happen. If future events are untenable, I'd avoid events if they were a couple at it, if I still wanted to go and it was OK but uncomfortable, I'd ask for that mini-date during the event, and if it was torture, I'd stay home or ask him to be my date in the future for events of that particular nature.

pre-edit, man, when I need spell check to spell torture for me correctly, I feel like BDSM is just not for me...

My other thought is, you don't know what to call your other partners, your lovers or boyfriends...is any of how you term them dependent on what you think your husband is feeling at the moment? Do you know what you consider them? I've gotten the impression that defining things as more casual than they are to ease someone else's feelings backfires, so figuring out what a relationship is feeling like to you so you can be authentic in describing it to your husband or other partners can be pretty useful, of awkward and confusing at times. I certainly don't mind if a partner says "I don't know whats happening yet" either!

And..you say he'd been on dates with her, or with her, 5 out of the last 10 days the last time you posted - I'm not for suggesting how people should make their agreements but have you made agreements for yourselves? Here we have 2x a week with an interest is a default OK, we have to speak up if we want more, if we want more if means making sure we are doing household chores and making our live in partner feel valued and satisfied with any other agreements we have made.
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 09-04-2012 at 09:47 AM.
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