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Old 09-04-2012, 02:51 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,341

  • You guys could stop mind reader expectations and actually sit down to communicate your wants, needs, and limits.
  • You could check in regularly to see all are present, accounted for, and holding up all their responsibility sticks. When is the family meeting time?
  • Could get your expectations of each other mapped out clearly -- both in mundane house chores and in how to be in right relationship
  • Could work to understand and manage all your polymath tiers in this quad. Where is schedule poster on wall for date nights? (That may or may not include sex -- but not EXPECT sex on a date night!)
  • Stop using sex as a validation thing to prove you are loved inside the quad. Sex is an expression of love. Not a token/bargaining tool/punishment/weapon thing.

Long answer below. You ask for feedback, I've done my best there. I'm sure it could be improved upon. It's just ideas for you to think about. Hope that helps.



Took me a week to get her to have sex with me. I kept asking, everyday, and she just kept saying no or making an excuse. It's frustrating, and it's rather off-putting.
Dude, someone pestering me for sex when I'm not ready to share sex would piss me off and be off putting to ME! Can't you masturbate to take the edge off? Why rush to sexual expression?

Which means I take care of the important things; I help resolve the arguments, I help run the errands, I do the cooking, the cleaning, the general need tending and whatnot.
This is division of labor, not attention. Make a chore chart, do what's on your list. Leave the rest undone. Hold people accountable to their shit -- dishes, laundry, trash, etc.

Is there no family meeting time / check points to hold up wants, needs, limits? To hold each other accountable to agreed to responsibilities? Is it going to be once a week or once a month or what? And have you agreed on conflict resolution method you will all use when people are not in right relationship or there is a thing to solve?

What about the rights and responsibilities all players have in this polyship? There's an awful lot of assuming going on. Are you all expecting mind reader-ing from the others?

I've even been told in an argument that I'm 'around too much.'
You are being told. Listen!

I admit, for a while, I had a lot of anxiety about their attentions towards her because of my own personal self esteem issues
Each tier on the polymath needs it's own time. Own your own baggage -- the tiers that do not include you in it? It is going to need trio time WITHOUT YOU. You would want the same courtesy when it is the tiers you are in, and don't want others barging in on that time for that tier. (See polymath tiers below.)

Yet here I am. It's been 2 weeks. I'm leaving this weekend, and they're out of town. It'll be close to a month when I actually get to have sex again. The time before the last, and the time before that, there was 2 to three weeks in between as well. This concern of mine is turning into a reality.
I think you could think more on your self-validation. It's like you need to sex to "prove" you are loveable and wanted or something. Why are you running around like a sex beggar? What need is not being met here?

You guys do not sound like you treat each other respectfully and you don't sound like you have a good handle on articulating wants, needs, and limits. You guys spend a lot of time assuming and not being polite to each other.

What's with you leaving the house without leaving a note on the fridge to tell people where you went to spare them worry? That's is rude and making them feel emotionally unsafe that their quad partner could be off getting hurt somewhere!

Stop behaving like singles that do not have to account to anyone. Behave like people in relationship that have to account to each other. Did you not CHOOSE to be in this quad?

Can we get a schedule on the wall? Just so we know when date nights are (which may and may not also include sex?) Relieve people of those not getting attention anxieties?

You have several layers on this polyship's polymath. Each mini rship inside the greater polyship needs TLC -- and time to express itself at its own speed.

I don't get the sense that that is happening regularly. Get the poster on the wall and the times to tend these mini's on there.

The singles
  • you to you
  • L to L
  • C to C
  • S to S

How you are to YOURSELVES as part of a larger polyship. You are not all footloose singles any more. You have responsibilities to the larger group.

AGAIN -- Do you have clear rights and responsibilities to the quad laid out so you can stay in right relationship to each other? Know what is expected of each other? I'm not talking chores. I'm talking rship framework. Is each individual holding up all their responsibility sticks?

What about you and your self esteem thing? L and her anxiety/closed off thing? Are all the people actually doing their own personal growth stuff or avoiding doing that? Because it can and does affect the larger group interactions.

Have you all really gotten over that cheating thing? Is that feeding some of the crazy anxiety stuff going on here and coming out in various ways?

(Similar thread with a triad coping with cheating/broken agreement things and moving beyond it. Dunno if that helps you.)

The Duo Mini's
  • You ----> L (This is THAT direction. Do YOU communicate to L well? State your want, needs, and limits effectively? The ( L --> you) bit is another tier. Where L communicates to YOU in the other direction. I list each directional. Then you can see who is weak where. People need to stop asssuming and ASK. No expecting mind reader-ing!)
  • You --> C
  • You --> S
  • L -->you
  • L --> C
  • L-->S
  • C --> S
  • C --> L
  • C --> You
  • S --> you
  • S --> L
  • S --> C

The Trios

  • You <--> (L + C) (Here I list both directions at once to save space)
  • You <--> (L + S)
  • You <--> (C + S)
  • L <--> (You + C)
  • L <--> (You + S)
  • L <--> (C + S)
  • C <--> (You + L)
  • C <--> (You + S)
  • C <--> ( L + S)
  • S <--> (You + L)
  • S <--> (You + C)
  • S <--> (L + C)

The Quads

  • You <--> (L + C + S)
  • L <--> (You + C + S)
  • C <--> (You + L + S)
  • S <--> (You + C + L)

  • You + S + L + C = playing together as the greater TEAM.

Ghost layer
How you will break up if this happens in future. Do you want to be good exes to each other? How would you handle it? Don't wait til it happens to think it out. Hopefully it never will, but keep it real dude. Crisis time is NOT the time to make the crisis plan!

You guys need to understand that you have MANY mini rships inside this greater mother polyship. See which tiers need improve communication and strengthening. And play like Jedi on each tier. Otherwise you end up in some Muppet Show chaos thing with chickens and shit flying around backstage. Muppets are fun to watch, but who wants to live in perpetual backstage chaos?

Take the time to tend to each other and each tier appropriately so you can fly your polyship WELL and enjoy being in love and being together WELL.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-04-2012 at 03:20 AM.
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