So. Any advice on how to build a good relationship with my metamour? Is it ok (or right!) to try to make any agreements with her, or should I stick to doing that with my DH? I don't know what they'd be, just a thought. Is it ok to ask her what she wants from this relationship? I feel like I am having to conduct a retrospective job interview with someone who's already taken the job on offer. Equally, is it ok to explain to my metamour what bothers me about their relationship? I don't want them to end anything by any means, but currently my needs aren't getting met... but then again that's not her responsibility, is it, it's my DH's, right??
You <--> Metmour.
That is one tier of your polyship's polymath.
Of COURSE you can talk to them and figure out how you two are going to be together in your metamour relationship!
You are calibrating. We teach others how to treat us. Get it out on the table. Learn/ask how she wants to be treated by you. Tell/articulate how YOU want to be treated. Things like...
- You do not have to be best friends. You don't even have to be friends. But if you are open to being friends at all -- let that be known.
- What is your bottom minimum? Cordial, polite? Then let that be known. Be a bitch to have to talk to each other on the phone to coordinate calendars if you are not even "stranger polite" to each other -- the common courtesy you would give a stranger you met on the street! You share a honey -- let's aim for basic polite at the bare minimum here. That is not unreasonable to ask for!
- What types of information you will share? (Ex: sex health screenings?) Let that be known. What types of information you will NOT share? Let that be known.
- If there's a problem, how will you resolve conflict without putting your shared honey in the middle of things? Because that is not kind. Get that on the table.
As for your needs not being met... WHAT needs? Communication needs from her? Something else missing from DH? Ask at the right parking garage for those needs to be met. I'm not sure what needs you are talking about so cannot help discern where you park those. You figure that out.
I feel like I am having to conduct a retrospective job interview with someone who's already taken the job on offer.
Amused. Your DH has the hire/fire. Consider her more like a new employee that was hired and you have to give the tour/ do some training in YOUR campus. And YOU are a new employee that has to take the tour and do some training at HER campus. It goes both ways.
Again, we teach others how to treat us.
That's what you are doing with her. The show and tell on that and calibrating how you are going to be in metamour-ship with each other. DH might wish for the metas to get along ok, but he cannot dictate that. It's on YOU guys to actually sort that tier out among yourselves. Time and place for everything. Everything in its time and place.