I was initially hurt but ultimately care about his happiness because thats how much my love for him means to me. I told him I understood, wanted him to be happy and be with her, and reassured him that he'd still have the kids remain in his life.
So basically you are ok with him cheating on you because you are afraid to lose him? Why are you compromising yourself? Love is not being a doormat or taking leftovers. I'm not reading that you took care of the hurt. I'm reading that you put his stuff ahead of yours -- I guess thinking that this would be recognized or acknowledged or something? Some kind of sweep it under the rug gesture?
ASK for what you want/need directly. Do not expect mind readering.
To be completely honest I feel like I should just remove myself from the equation, it depresses and hurts me to be living a lie, to not recieve the love that I am giving, to be alone when I am not alone. I'd rather be dead because at least that would be a stable reality. I'm very depressed right now and even I don't really know how to communicate that to K and Z, I feel like I have to be the strong one. But I'm not, and no one is here to hold me together.
Then stop lying
. I'd go with how you HONESTLY feel and just end the triad thing. That's where you should have begun in the first place. Being honest with yourself and articulating your wants, needs and limits to the cheating BF.
You thought making some big sacrifice thing would prove your love to him or something? If you do not LOVE being in a triad or other polyship -- do not go there.
I don't think you guys Opened under the best of circumstances. He cheated, and rather than deal with that appropriately you proposed a triad as a "solution." Stop compromising yourself, lying to yourself, or being afraid he's going to break up with you. Whether you guys mend after the cheating is one thing. It will be what it will be once you process this hurt.
But get on with the processing. Don't be afraid of feeling yucky. Yucky feelings are only yucky feelings. It's internal weather. Rain is rain. Sun is sun. Feelings are feelings. We don't choose when or how to feel what we feel. We cannot choose that. What we get to choose is how we BEHAVE in response to those feelings -- REACT or ACT WITH INTENT. How did you choose to behave? How would you like to behave now?
Man up, and deal with what you have going on there. Adding MORE people to a thing that is broken is not
the answer. Deal with one thing at a time. And the first problem is the cheating. He must apologize. You must decide whether you will forgive or not. And if you do forgive? Decide next if it is a case of forgive and forget and break up.
Or forgive and forget and what HE must do to make amends so you can continue to be together in right relationship and heal from this.
You bending over backwards to do something you don't want to do because HE messed up is all out of order. Why do that? Because you fear what?
Maintain your own integrity. Be honest with yourself. Then move forward one thing at a time. You can do this.