Here's the thread:
Here's a copy of my post in it. I realize the details are a bit different, you weren't referencing a younger woman-but the point remains the same:
nothing like knowing you yourself aren't shallow when you look at other people, and you can love them inspite of all of their flaws, but using that shallow mirror on yourself.
So many of us women do that.
I've been with Maca 12 years. Not too different a time frame there. I have 4 kids, 3 of my own body. Stretch marks, sure. I had F cup boobs till they cut 'em off a week ago. Suffice it to say that they... hung. You know.
Anyway-now they are wrapped up in a billion layers of bandages and little B's that can't be seen. Tubes sticking out here and there. I look like an 80s science project gone wrong-seriously!
I look in that mirror and more often then not-I grown. I SEE the hot little young 20 somethings looking at my husband who know one realizes is nearing 40 because he still LOOKS like he's a mid 20s. (blonde/red hair, blue eyes, kick ass arms, baby face)
But here's the thing-even though he looks at them, and one day he may find one that he wants to hook up with too,
When he crawls into bed at night, he's not looking at me with that "damn, wish you had the same tits you did when you were in school." He's looking at me with that "OMG are you going to do THAT right now? with me?!"
Sometimes it really pays to stop and pay attention. Seriously-
it's not easy to make yourself do.
It's easy to pay attention the attention that they pay someone else.
Personally-I wouldn't ask him or tell him how you are feeling YET-I am ALL for honest communication.
BUT FIRST-check his actions, because they say actions speak louder than words.
Walk into that bedroom tonight. Wait till he's there, pull your shirt off slow, sexy, set it on the dresser, chair whatever. Talk with him about what you love about him.
Watch his face, stare into his eyes while you are talking, then unzip your jeans, slide them down and kick them off.
Take a few steps in his direction while you tell him how much you love the way he makes love to you (or if you like a little more dirty talk, the way he (pick your dirty way of putting it and fill it in here))
Slip the panties off and let them fall on the floor too.
I always left my bra on for MY ability to feel a little sexier, but you can take it off and drop it on the end of the bed or leave it on as you see fit.
Then climb up over him and DON'T START SEX, just keep talking to him and hopefully by now he will have figured out how to talk too.
Watch his face, watch his EYES.
Does he look at you like he still see's you as the girl he first fell in love with?
Does he look excited?
Does he look like he loves you?
See-I learned this one from my boyfriend,
He doesn't see me as I am today. I have to ACTUALLY SHOW HIM the changes with pictures for him to notice them. He still see's me the way he memorized me 17 years ago. Seriously.
When you close your eyes and you picture your husband, what do you see? Is he beautiful? Is he sexy? Does he make your motor hum?
DO NOT compare yourself to "her". That is ARBITRARY.
My bf and my husband look NOTHING alike. NOTHING. One is tall, one is not. One is dark haired and balding, one is blonde/red haired and not balding.
Ok, they do both have goatees...
One is skinny almost emo looking body type, the other is muscular and compact (not heavy, but damn sure not emo).
They also don't TALK alike, ACT alike, THINK alike. They are TOTALLY different.
But I love BOTH of them and I am turned on by BOTH of them. There are parts that I love on both of them-that are COMPLETELY different. Uh huh. Like arms, I LOVE LOVE LOVE my husbands muscular arms, they wrap around me and I feel safe. Sex... omg the power in those arms changes the whole dynamic!
I LOVE LOVE LOVE my bf's arms, not muscular at all. They are long and they wrap all the way around me and it's like the tentacles of an octopus enclosing me in his love.
So even though they are TOTALLY different-I still love them both often for the same OPPOSITE attributes!!
Your husband may very much enjoy this woman's "beauty". But he OBVIOUSLY enjoys yours as well, or he wouldn't be with you!
YOU need to FIND your beauty.
I was lucky in that I was NEVER self-conscious about my stretch marks. In fact I have a friend-who has DARK burgundy stretch marks from the birth of her first child-my godson. I find those marks so moving when I see them (not often). I am bi-but I'm not interested in HER that way. But I see those marks and all the emotions of that little boys birth flood through me, my nipples get hard,(I'm just writing this and it's happening) I get goosebumps to my toes, my motor starts humming.
So she stands around ALL THE TIME (kid is 13 years old!) talking about how much she HATES those stretch marks. She see's them as a flaw, but I see them and an otherwise not attractive to me woman, becomes beautiful....
My exgirlfriend looked at me once and said I was beautiful (actually she said it a lot) but this one time I got the balls up to actually ask her, no whining, just serious as day, "what is it that you think is beautiful, paint a picture of me through your eyes so I can see what you see"
She said I was like water.
Now a lot of people would respond to that with a "and so" wonder in their minds, but for me, I was watching her face, the face I found so beautiful. Her eyes were engaging, her skin flushed, she was drawn into me. She told me I was like water, soft and smooth and flowing from one place to the other with a rhythm all my own. All of this to describe how much she loved my NOT taught, firm, muscular body.
All the time I had been bent over losing those tight abs, those muscular arms. Hating the wiggly-jiggliness of my belly. And she was THE WHOLE TIME, LOVING the exact thing I hated!!!!
That ended it for me. (not with her)
I stopped presuming that what I see in the mirror is what someone else see's, because it's not!
First-watch him WITH YOU and stop watching him with her for a bit.
THEN-ask him to tell you what it is about you that he loves, what it is about you that turns him on, what it is about you that he simply finds irresistable.
IF you still feel insecure after that-then confess your emotions asap.
IF you don't, then tell him, "you know honey-I was feeling insecure, but after watching you and seeing _________, after hearing what you told me you love about me etc, I feel SO important, special, sexy (whatever).
Then ask him if he would help reinforce that emotion in you by reminding you of those things so you can retrain your brain to see you as he does, not how you do!