Thread: Help wanted
View Single Post
Old 09-03-2012, 01:26 AM
NovemberRain's Avatar
NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 712

Welcome to the forum, roots. I am always impressed at the sheer bravery of the spouses who come here second. (one joins, posts, gets recommend to invite their spouse, spouse joins ~ it's awesome)

Originally Posted by roots989 View Post
I love him, and I know that he loves me.
That's a damn good start.

Originally Posted by roots989 View Post
Throughout our relationship, we have struggled with several patterns: co-dependency, boundary breaking, boundary hiding... Over the past week, we have discussed so many emotional topics that I feel numb and very topsy-turvy. I want to keep exploring, though. I want him. I want my self as well.
I admire your desire to keep exploring. Persistence is good. Taking breaks is good. It didn't all break in one night, it's not going to get all better in a week. In wanting yourself, it's great to incorporate taking the best care of yourself possible. Sometimes take a break, be by yourself; and be with him without the giant emotional discussions sometimes. (it's taken me a long time to be able to do this)

Originally Posted by roots989 View Post
@NovemberRain - Yep. Childhood can truly suck, and adulthood is an extension of the conversations that are started in childhood. I have been in therapy for over a decade, and I have made huge progress. Many of the conversations that were started in my childhood no longer play out in my head or in my life. Some do. I agree that boundaries - mine and others' - are very important. What is still hard for me is understanding how to navigate those moments when another person's bondaries and my boundaries do not match up well. I come from a place of emotional poverty... and I tend to want to snatch up moments and opportunities whenever I feel can. I also tend to want to either defend my boundaries in a rock-hard way or completely tune out and turn off when another person asserts his/her right to overstep my boundary. I understand that I have a lot of work to do in this area. I also know that I am very proud of the work that I have already done.
For me, in places where I have had a hard time, I work well by giving my self a rule. 'When X happens, do X' and 'do' doesn't mean talk about or think about or whatever. Like, if someone's been drinking, don't get in the car with them. Period. Or, 'If I don't know whether to stay or go, going is the safer option. Go.' Period. Until I'm able to process the situation later, in a safe space, and look at other possibilities.

I also have some bad associations with 'cheater.' That has probably kept me from much possible joy in my life; however, I chose to deal with it by scrupulously not cheating. And, I have also chosen to deal with it by having a slew of lovers who chose to cheat on me. My moral superiority allowed me to toss them out the door. :P Might have done better to find a way to work through it. But here we are at poly.

Originally Posted by roots989 View Post
But a low buzz of panic, frustration, anger, ... all low buzzes... I haven't been able to feel much in a week or so. Scout said last week that I am icky. He also began to use the word incompatible. When cheater became part of the conversation, I nearly shut down completely. I am working so hard to stay in here with him, to keep feeling and thinking, too. These have been very difficult days. I am not sure I have ever felt quite this level of dissociation. At least I have been able to feel an emotion or have a coherent thought in the past. Now I just feel... empty? confused? numb? apathetic? I am not sure. I see every topic that we have discussed from so many perspectives... I am not sure which is my perspective anymore.
I agree with GG; check out 'emotional flooding.' All those things sound like warning flags, and cues that you might need to back away for a bit, to get some equilibrium.

Originally Posted by roots989 View Post
I see myself as polyamorous, and I also want to make clear that I have done a lot of work to help clarify why I am poly and what I want out of it. When I feel free to practice poly in a way that works for me, I also feel much more empowered to do what I am able to do to maintain everyone's boundaries - I take care of what is in my own bailiwick. When I feel a sense of scarcity in my life, issues with boundaries arise more often.
Will that way include absolute honesty? There are lots of threads around here to read on that. It doesn't mean telling every detail of relationship with an other. It means being willing to bring all (ALL) your own shit to the table. And really hearing all of Scout's stuff too. (well, okay fine, that's what it would mean to me ~ I don't imagine how you could do it without that, especially after your history)(I could be completely wrong)

Originally Posted by roots989 View Post
I echo Scout's plea - help, please?
I think you've come to a good place for help. Sounds like you're getting help elsewhere too.
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who now lives in a house far away-with stairs I can't climb)
Reply With Quote