Originally Posted by evanevans
Are there Poly people that don't understand the Mono mindset/wiring/way? Because personally I found Poly by passing through Mono. But I suppose a person could be cultured Poly from childhood and Mono would seem very strange to them, and so I wonder if they couldn't understand how Mono provides happiness, etc.
I understand it as well as I understand any other not-me abstract.
I did try to be monogamous. I just seemed to screw up all the rules except "don't cheat". There were these standards I struggled to grasp. I was an indecisive little thing; who did I really want? Well, why did I have to answer that question? Why couldn't I try them all to be sure? And why did my time suddenly belong entirely to someone else? Why couldn't I have a happy, comfy tickle and cuddle session by the fire with a friend? Was my body no longer mine to use as I saw fit, either?
Guess what? It wasn't! Apparently it belonged to a boy with Opinions on my hair and the languages I needed to be interested in. (High school: I was weird for wanting to learn Japanese. College: He picked up Swahili. Hey, I was going to put my Japanese to good use...)
As I moved into sexuality, ownership shifted further: not only was it not my body anymore, it belonged to whichever "him" I had at the time. Consent once, consent the rest of the time. That was how it worked. I had no words for "Not now" or "Get off me or pay me, you douche".
I took back my body. I took back my time. I decided that if I did feel like sharing them again, I'd do it with people who didn't want exclusive rights. Owning people had become, to me, one of the stupidest ways to relate since, well, slavery. Coupledom shut people out, creating this insular world in which even feelings had to belong to the other person. ("Emotional infidelity"?!)
And on the "am I a hypocrite?" end of things: I had a history of wanting to gate-crash established relationships. Not doing so. Just wishing I could, because I didn't need a person to myself. I could share. It seemed to me that the people who were best suited to having relationships were already having them.
You could say I spoke both mono and poly, but poly was my first and best language, the one whose nuances made sense to me.