Thread: Help wanted
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Old 09-02-2012, 01:44 PM
roots989 roots989 is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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[QUOTE=NovemberRain;152144]This prompted me to respond as I have similar history/issues. Is she willing to understand why others' boundaries are important, now? I have been no end of annoyed with people in my life who refuse to believe me when I say stuff. 'This hurts.' 'oh that couldn't possibly hurt, i'm not doing anything' ugh...]

Scout989 asked me to register and reply to this thread. I was thinking of doing so anyway, and his request helped me get the courage to write. So, here goes -

Scout and I have been together for over 8 years. We met in an incredible manner, and we live an incredible life. I love him, and I know that he loves me.

Throughout our relationship, we have struggled with several patterns: co-dependency, boundary breaking, boundary hiding... Over the past week, we have discussed so many emotional topics that I feel numb and very topsy-turvy. I want to keep exploring, though. I want him. I want my self as well.

@NovemberRain - Yep. Childhood can truly suck, and adulthood is an extension of the conversations that are started in childhood. I have been in therapy for over a decade, and I have made huge progress. Many of the conversations that were started in my childhood no longer play out in my head or in my life. Some do. I agree that boundaries - mine and others' - are very important. What is still hard for me is understanding how to navigate those moments when another person's bondaries and my boundaries do not match up well. I come from a place of emotional poverty... and I tend to want to snatch up moments and opportunities whenever I feel can. I also tend to want to either defend my boundaries in a rock-hard way or completely tune out and turn off when another person asserts his/her right to overstep my boundary. I understand that I have a lot of work to do in this area. I also know that I am very proud of the work that I have already done.

Last week, Scout said the word "cheater" for the first time. I was floored, hurt, very angry. I am not a cheater... or am I? I looked back through my life, and I realized that I do have a problem with breaking boundaries in that way. Scout and I talked for hours last night about why I do that... I am still not sure why exactly, and I suspect that there is no one answer. The c-word has A LOT of bad associations for me... and I can't really wrap my head around it being part of my identity... I don't see myself that way. I said it out loud to Scout last night. I tried it on. I feel a sense of panic this morning.

But a low buzz of panic, frustration, anger, ... all low buzzes... I haven't been able to feel much in a week or so. Scout said last week that I am icky. He also began to use the word incompatible. When cheater became part of the conversation, I nearly shut down completely. I am working so hard to stay in here with him, to keep feeling and thinking, too. These have been very difficult days. I am not sure I have ever felt quite this level of dissociation. At least I have been able to feel an emotion or have a coherent thought in the past. Now I just feel... empty? confused? numb? apathetic? I am not sure. I see every topic that we have discussed from so many perspectives... I am not sure which is my perspective anymore.

I want to make clear - if even for my own sake - that I have never had sex with another person without Scout's explicit ok or what I thought was Scout's ok. There was once when what I called making out Scout called sex. There was another time when I had sex with a woman, believing that sex with women was ok with him. I have kissed other men. I have made out. Mostly, it has been kissing. And it has happened a handful of times in our relationship. Am I defending myself? Not at all. I just want to help clarify the context so that as he and I continue to post, we all are able to make the best sense that we can of the story.

I see myself as polyamorous, and I also want to make clear that I have done a lot of work to help clarify why I am poly and what I want out of it. When I feel free to practice poly in a way that works for me, I also feel much more empowered to do what I am able to do to maintain everyone's boundaries - I take care of what is in my own bailiwick. When I feel a sense of scarcity in my life, issues with boundaries arise more often.

I echo Scout's plea - help, please?
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