View Single Post
  #1  
Old 09-02-2012, 12:50 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 4,126
Default ch-ch-ch-changes... dealing with changing

So many threads here are about changing relationships, stemming from changes and growth in individual's views of life, love, sexuality.

Humans are so adaptable on the one hand. On the other, we are resistant to change and often refuse to change until a crisis occurs that forces it.

This is so apparent when a person is in a long term monogamous relationship and then realizes they are polyamorous and asks their partner to acknowledge it and accept it and eventually support it.

However, so many people in couples expect their partner to never change. We see that over and over here. "Be the man/woman I first met, first dated, first married! That gives me security. Never change! If you change, we are done."

How ridiculous is that? We are all changing every day. Living life challenges us and causes us to grow and change. A new job, a child being born, aging, the death of a parent, illness, heck, even a vacation or reading a certain book or seeing a certain movie can cause us to change our viewpoints on life and our place in it.

I guess in our mono based culture, asking a partner to open the marriage can be seen as one of the most challenging, threatening changes one could ever be asked to accept. We have templates for other changes, jobs, kids, death of a loved one or pet, etc. Very few examples of successful polyamory.

I even see people here who are poly, but have a partner who had IDed as mono deciding to try being poly themselves... and the original poly partner becomes all threatened and bereft at that!

And then so many partners of people here go into shock, to the point of not even being able to discuss the change from mono to poly! They just get angry, jealous, and shut down completely, refusing to accept the change, refusing to even discuss it. sigh...
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, 37
Reply With Quote