Sunday - Lost in Transit
It's 2 AM on a Sunday, and I'm beginning to wonder if I made a mistake by switching to these new hours. I recently decided to switch to a 4x10 schedule that was also 3rd shift. Upside: More time at home when my kids are awake. Downside: More time at home when my kids are awake. Haha, just kidding. The downside is that I. am. BORED! There is nothing going on at this hour. Nothing. No one to talk to (except from one of my friends that works at this time, but come on, him and I can only talk about so much stuff). This is my first day and it's already boring as hell (and I'm busy!). I can't imagine what a slow day is going to be like. Pretty brutal I imagine.
I've got 5 hours to go from this point, which means I've already been here for 5. Holy God...
So, what this blog is really all about. I've felt less inclined to post here lately. I don't know why. I imagine it's partly to do with my natural tendency to fall in and out of hobbies quickly. It's also probably got a lot to do with me needing constant feedback. It sounds needy, but if you guys don't respond, I feel like no one cares and so I don't post any more, which means you guys respond less. Ha. I've got issues.
DragonTattoo and I have been talking a lot more lately. BandGeek and Rymmare have hung out without DragonTattoo and I around to interfere, and things looked like they were improving quite a bit. Rymmare confided in me that she's still feeling very anxious about the whole situation. I understand, and this time I held my tongue with DragonTattoo. I feel dishonest by doing it, because I don't like hiding ANYTHING but Rymmare is right. I need to not do that. So I'm letting her handle it in her way.
Friday night the four of us went to see a movie. I happened to snag the seat right in between the two girls (not intentional, but I'm glad it worked out that way) and ended up holding both of their hands. I felt unlike I had ever felt, ever. I can't even express how wonderful it was.
Rymmare experienced an anxiety/panic attack due to one of the scenes in the movie (in hindsight, it wasn't a great choice of movie knowing that she had been having mini-attacks over the last week or so) so after the movie left we went home instead of hanging out with them longer, as we had originally planned.
After we got home, but before we went to sleep, I told Rymmare that it was important to me that BandGeek and DragonTattoo stay in our lives as friends. That it was more important to me than them being a relationship. So if she wasn't feeling things with BandGeek, it was important she tell him so that the friendships aren't risked. I want nothing more than to be with DragonTattoo (except for being with Rymmare obviously! she's my wife and I love her to death) but losing her entirely would seriously impact my ability to be happy, whereas losing her as a prospective girlfriend would probably hurt, but I'd be able to move on.
I hate this in-between crap. I hate not knowing which way to go, or worrying about Rymmare's relationship not working because it impacts mine. Downside to polyamory I guess! I just get along with both DragonTattoo and BandGeek so well that I wish it wouldn't need to be a "well, we're a package deal" situation. I totally get that, but I hate it. I'm pressing forward, and hoping that it works in my favor. Like the quote in my signature, if I don't, I'll regret it forever, but if I try and get shot down, well, I can live with that.
In other news, Rymmare and I attended a few BDSM events. We went more for the opportunity to meet new people as friends (and because she's into BDSM, well... more than I am anyway) but it turns out that there are a lot of poly people in our particular scene. We went from not knowing anyone to knowing tons of people! It was a pretty awesome time. I learned that I am infatuated with rope. I'm also damn good at tying knots apparently. I've learned about 6 in just a couple hours of watching videos online. Not only that, but they look fairly decent when tied, which surprised me considering some people take years to learn how to properly tie the knots. I'm still learning the logistics of getting the rope to stay where you put them on someone, but hey, I'm no master, and I'm enjoying practicing.
Rymmare has opened up greatly since the party. She's learned that she's definitely a sub, enjoys pain, and seeks my constant attention, affection, and protection. This is magnificant, because it's how I've always wanted to be with her, and she's spent so long trying to be someone she wasn't, that we missed out on this. We have years to spend with one another, though, so I'm not going to regret that lost time. I'm going to enjoy the future for what it is.
I guess the point of all of this is that I am SO happy being with Rymmare, and how far she's coming, and how far we've come. I know that for anyone reading this blog up to this point, it wouldn't seem as so, but literally so much has changed that I can't even begin to recount it all.
Rymmare, if you read this: I love you. All of you. <3
"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is the regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." - Sydney Smith
Kyle: 26 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 24 year old female
Kids: girl: 4 years old, boy: 2 years old