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Old 09-02-2012, 05:51 AM
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lovefromgirl lovefromgirl is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: The Great Soggy Northeast
Posts: 353
Default cut on the bias.

Nobody is completely without prejudice. This is mine.

I fucking hate how entwined the poly and kink communities have got. No, dammit, I'm only tiny on the outside; I have done the brain work and discovered I am fundamentally unsuited to being anything on the sub end of things. I could pro-domme under the right circumstances (read: for money, after considerable training) -- not sure who'd take me seriously, though. I mean, hello, 4'11" and hoistable. The closest I get is wanting a corset, and that's just not sexual to me.

I found myself wincing when a guy who'd caught my eye turned out to be experimenting with kink in his new configuration. Part of this is burning resentment against the catastrophe that was last winter, looking for a reason for my illness. Nice man with complications I might otherwise have handled well comes along. Nice man is not dating material while I have such pressing concerns. I've just come off a sort of annus horribilis, and now I'm looking around and there's just nobody, now. Not who understands that I've no desire to be part of a bloody leather arrangement. I am equal. You are equal. We. Are. Equal. Look, I write fiction if I want to explore weird power dynamics and it STILL comes out to "We are equal" in the end.

And since part of this damn disability shtick involves pain on many levels (muscles, joints, even nerves during really bad episodes), do you SEE me wanting to endure more? Or remotely getting off on it?

What is so passť about vanilla, I'd like to know?

So yeah, I'm disappointed and resentful and generally not happy that even the ordinary ones end up tangled in what is, in my area, not the healthiest bunch. Maybe I'd be more inclined to explore the fetish-fashion thing and model if I could see "healthy" in there anywhere. I feel unsafe even going to a meet-and-greet. I'm always wondering, "Who are you and what is your major malfunction?"

There is a great deal of malfunction in counter-culture. This is why it's laugh/cry whenever I see anyone claiming poly or kink are in any way enlightened, better, drama-free -- no. I've even pulled away from people who share elements of my spirituality because, to use imagery that makes sense to me, their yarn is hopelessly knotted. The only way to untangle those knots is to clip the good yarn free of the knots and retie it in such a way that it can still be used. I don't like to go into a situation wielding scissors, though. I prefer a skein with knots I can coax free, if there have to be knots. Mostly I prefer a skein that's not been tangled at all.

Counter me out of that. Sad as I am to lose the mutual interests, I'd have to be very carefully coaxed into certain groups by people I can trust, and remain surrounded and shielded by people I can trust. I had already had enough of adults behaving like children by the age of twenty-two. I did not wish, and do not wish, to go looking for massive repositories of them.

-- I'm discouraged today, obviously. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning. Or maybe I'll have more nightmares and wake up crying for my "sister" Alyx. Crapshoot.
"I swear, if we live through this somebody's going to find their automatic shower preferences reprogrammed for ice water."

Refuge in Audacity { home of the post-raph stunner }
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