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Old 09-02-2012, 02:06 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,182

1. The betrayal that I have to get over and learn to trust again - that takes time and healing. 2. We're on opposite sides of the fence and agreed we need to figure out a way to get those two together in which we both feel safe and share power.
Yup. Do not Open at this time.

Resolve the cheater thing first, rebuild trust, then try again if you really are going to go there. But don't just go there to avoid the inevitable if this is a relationship dying on the vine. Only you are there -- only you can tell what's really going on here.
She loves me and wants to be with me and doesn't want me to leave her.
So... show me the money. What is SHE going to put into the relationship to make ammends, repairs, change her cheater ways? Cuz it sounds like under your current agreement, you are within your rights to call it quits and walk.

IF YOU MAKE A NEW AGREEMENT for how to be together -- that's not gonna happen til previous agreement is ended satisfactorily. Are you satisfied that you would not just be signing up for more bad treatment here?

If you are in an open marriage and your partner wants to engage with someone that you dont like or whom doesnt work for you - isnt that appropriate? Should not both parties be OK with the partners one takes on?
Not my relationship to run. The only things I would ask in terms of partners are things like the obvious DO NOT DATE HARD LIMIT PEOPLE. (Ex: my mother, my sister, my boss, minors.) There's enough people in the world without choosing the people that would just make life that much harder!

Soft limit people we can discuss case by case (ex: don't date the kid's teacher while they teach the kid. When the kid moves ON and is no longer their student, we can talk. )

I do not expect metas to be my best friend, but I do expect metas to be cordial/polite if we cross paths and let's face it. In this house I run the calendar so highly likely I'd be taking phone messages and whatnot. So just play polite with the wife, alright?

And DH -- maintain right relationship with me too. You know my gamebook there.

1. Our marriage comes first - we are primary lovers and we alone share our household. She wants to have children and our family has to come first.

2. Respecting each other's comfort level. I get the feeling that she may want to have a relationship with anyone she finds attractive and that wouldn't work for me. I like to idea of discrete - planned that don't interfere with our home life or our jobs - my MAIN point being so neither of us doesnt feel safe in each other's work and home space.
All this stuff is to be sorted with YOUR partner to you and your partner's pleasure. There's as many ways to "do" poly as there are poly people. There's no one way. You write your own story with your poly peeps. Figure out what you want your relationship model to be. Here's a few examples.

3.The woman she cheated on me with - in other people's opinions - is it unfair for me to never be able to feel safe with that relationship? (This is how I feel) I had thought for sure ties would be cut and we would work together in counseling (which she suggested) to build this thing organically together (her words). We're not building something safe and organic if she has someone "waiting in the wings". Im really hoping other poly people agree with me on this one. I see so much what we could be but if we start out this way - it could never work.
3? Cheating is cheating and in my world that is lies of omission and that's a one strike you are out. Ciao! I'm not really up for working things out. And it really isn't about the cheating partner, though I wouldn't take kindly to them had they KNOWN about me and cheated anyway. I'd be annoyed with MY partner who DID know about my existence and cheated on me anyway. I'd be annoyed with my partner DOUBLE if they cheated on me AND on the other person by doing lies of omission to THEM too. What kind of untrustworthy business is that? I frown on that. Can't run a polyship on a foundation of lies. Thppppt.

But if you are willing to let one mess up slide and work it out -- get thee to counseling then and sort it. WHY did the cheat happen in the first place? Solve the root of that or else -- wait for more cheats in future?

I want to believe I can make this work but I feel so scared and disrespected - like if I dont accept this new person - she will leave me.
She could leave you with or without the person in the picture. You are scared and disrespected because you WERE disrespected and someone you thought you knew and trusted went out of bounds. These are natural things to feel in this situation.

We feel what we feel and don't much get to choose that. We DO choose how we behave in response to those feelings. REACT or ACT WITH INTENTION. I don't know what kind of choice you are after. You sound like you are in the "trying to decide that" place.

But if you lean toward a second chance? Talk to the meta -- what's their spin on this? Talk to your partner. What's their spin on this? Sort the meta rship and the marriage rship probs first.

Do not be piling on even more people to your polymath. Seek that counselor out.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-02-2012 at 02:25 AM.
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