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Old 09-02-2012, 01:13 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
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Originally Posted by kari777 View Post
3.The woman she cheated on me with - in other people's opoinions - is it unfair for me to never be able to feel safe with that relationship? (This is how I feel) I had thought for sure ties would be cut and we would work together in counseling (which she suggested) to build this thing organically together (her words). We're not building something safe and organic if she has someone "waiting in the wings". Im really hoping other poly people agree with me on this one. I see so much what we could be but if we start out this way - it could never work.
Wouldn't it make more sense to say that you don't feel safe with your wife, rather than the woman who she cheated on you with? It is your wife who betrayed you and your wife who has to rebuild her trustworthiness and regain your trust. Who knows what she told the gf, who might not have known the full story - so why specifically blame her? I don't know why ties have to be severed with her gf completely unless that person did some flagrantly disrespectful act against you. If she's waiting in the wings, then at least she is respectfully waiting. Without a doubt, the thing she needs to do is stop seeing her gf while you and she are working on repairing your marriage, but I see no reason why they should not resume after your marriage is stable again (unless the woman is total bad news for some reason), if that is still an option. But that should not be rushed. I don't think you two should re-open up the marriage until your foundation is solid - it could take a year or longer to get past such deep betrayal.

You can't really dictate to someone whom they are allowed to love (that is, assuming it is love and not just sex your wife is after in being non-monogamous).

Originally Posted by kari777 View Post
I want to believe I can make this work but I feel so scared and disrespected - like if I dont accept this new person - she will leave me. Thats a very scary feeling especially how I am getting contradicting messages that she doesnt want me to leave. She even said twice that shed give me time to process and for us to figure this out - months, a year etc. But now its been 2 weeks and Im already feeling pressure.
Where is this feeling of pressure coming from? What is she saying and doing that makes you feel like she won't wait and re-invest? Or is that in your head only because you've been emotionally whacked with a 2x4 and now can't stop imagining the worst?

Originally Posted by kari777 View Post
Its painful because we do have relationship issues we havent work on ourselves yet. Her head sometimes is with me and other times I feel Ive lost her. I do not want to lose her. I see a world we could make together of shares power but it only comes from a feeling of deep safety, respect and shared control.
I am not sure about the "shared control." Does anyone ever really have control over anything in life? Methinks not. I always say that good relationships need mutual respect, honesty, affection, caring, and compassion. They also need effective ways to communicate. I am sure therapy, both individually or together, will help. You need to rebuild your foundation, and she needs to be willing to commit to being your full partner again, without lies and deceit. You have to know your tipping point - what will you tolerate and when would you walk away? - and she needs to know your tipping point, too. Most of the work here in regaining trust is on her head, so she needs to step up, but you need to look at two things - standing up for yourself and, at the same time, forgiveness.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

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Last edited by nycindie; 09-02-2012 at 01:19 AM.
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