Thread: Help wanted
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Old 09-01-2012, 07:30 PM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Originally Posted by scout989 View Post
Her issues with boundaries arise from a few areas. First, she was brought up in an atmosphere in which her boundaries were not respected at all- she basically wasn't allowed to have any. She has never really understood why boundaries are important to others. As a result, her protection of her own boundaries and her respect for others' is low. I didn't know it, but it seems that she has had problems with cheating all her life.

Also, she still harbors a lot of resentment for the way that I have handled boundaries with her in the past. When I was a practicing alcoholic, I had pretty much no respect for her boundaries. I am tons better these days, but I step over her boundaries sometimes- and sometimes I don't even realize it. So, boundary issues exist on both sides.
This prompted me to respond as I have similar history/issues. Is she willing to understand why others' boundaries are important, now? I have been no end of annoyed with people in my life who refuse to believe me when I say stuff. 'This hurts.' 'oh that couldn't possibly hurt, i'm not doing anything' ugh (as GG might say)

I had the conversation over the word 'control' rather than boundaries. I was talking about drug use to someone, and she was saying she was never willing to take (street) drugs because she was a control-freak. I had the revelation that I never, as a child, was able to imagine having control of ANYTHING, so it never occurred to me that I need to avoid drugs to be 'in-control.' From infancy, it was made very clear to me that I was not in control of ANYthing. Ever.

It was a good revelation. A huge amount of my emotional work has involved what am I in control of and what is okay to let go.

But, I suspect you both know the difference, and I feel the need to write, perhaps for anyone else who might come along and read the thread...
Just because we learned stuff as children, doesn't mean we cannot unlearn or change it as adults. In fact, I'd say it's damn important, to live in a civil society, to unlearn much of what we learned as children. Moreso if we were raised in difficult situations.

Originally Posted by scout989 View Post
We have concluded that we are both still very much in love, and that we will do what we can to work this out. We both have work to do on respecting each others' boundaries. We also need to start working out what our life will look like from here. If it turns out that she needs to be poly and I need to be mono, so be it- but we're not giving up unless we reach that point.
That's wonderful.

Originally Posted by scout989 View Post
I suspect that I will be aiming for a course of action that is more sustainable for me next time, if there is a next time.
That is an admirable aim.
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who now lives in a house far away-with stairs I can't climb)
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