I Don't Have Time for This!
It's been a hard month. I was away for a week at the beginning of August, at music camp. Within hours of my return, I drove Vix to the airport for a two-and-a-half week visit to her bf, who currently lives in Europe.
So, I fell into the routine of home, getting up very early to get the girls off the school bus, first preparing and then starting to teach my own classes, practicing with my bands. I started going to bed earlier and earlier, just to be able to handle it all.
In the mean time, Nyx was swamped by her own work life and by her other relationships and commitments, including her not-quite-primary partner's ongoing struggle with jealousy, the upshot of which is that she and I were unable to find time to see one another.
Something crashed. I withdrew and grew . . . well, not cold, exactly. Numb.
That's it. Numb.
Vix is back, and things are okay but slightly brittle between us. I still haven't seen Nyx - our planned date the other night had to be cancelled because of her work schedule and subsequent headache. Now, she's off on a long hike in the mountains, and I probably won't see her for another two weeks, at least.
My own professional obligations are starting to ramp up for the year, engaging more and more of my attention. I have several gigs to prepare for.
In the mean time, a young woman on whom I had a doomed crush last year showed up at the dance last night. The crush is (mostly) gone, but I was annoyed with myself for still being so distracted by her.
With all this comes the growing realization that, really, I just don't have time for this, actually practicing polyamory, and I can't really spare the energy to deal with the emotional turmoil of it.
I mentioned all this to Vix and the first words out of her mouth were a most unhelpful question: "Will this be the cause of resentment, if I'm off visiting my boyfriend and you're stuck alone?"
I answered neutrally, "I don't know." (It was late, we were both exhausted, and I didn't see much point in getting into it just then.)
I woke up this morning, certain that the answer to her question is an emphatic yes. I suppose I'll just have to find a way to deal with that, though.
The resentment may have little to do with her having an outside relationship, though, and more to do with the fact that she'd be off doing only what she wants, while I'm here doing what I have to.
The most worrisome thing, for me, is that I can feel myself shutting down, emotionally. One of the most exciting things about deciding to be poly is that I began to feel open to other people and to their possibilities; I had the opportunity to focus on connecting with other people, something I've only sporadically taken the time to do.
Now I feel myself slipping back into my old habit of hunkering down and doing my job, keeping other people at a safe distance, if only because I don't have the time or the energy to spare for them.
"Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge" - Charles Darwin
"Mystical explanations are considered deep. The truth is that they are not even superficial." - Friedrich Nietzsche