Thread: Help wanted
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Old 09-01-2012, 02:11 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

I find it interesting that you say you are "not all that comfortable with poly," yet you think you could "really love the polyamourous lifestyle." What a contradiction. It seems to me that you may have opted for poly as a way to avoid looking deeper at why you think your wife's needs would not be satisfied by you, and as a way to be less responsible. I think you two clearly need to reconnect and remember why you are together before moving forward again into non-monogamy.

If you read around the forum, you will see alot of people talk about the importance of a marriage having a strong foundation before opening up. It needs to be happy, functioning well, and satisfying in and of itself, in order to work well when it shifts to a polyamorous arrangement. Adding more people is only a disastrous move to make if the foundation isn't strong. Hoping that only will provide for a spouse's needs or fix things that aren't working is foolhardy at best, and damaging at worst.

I also sense that, perhaps, when you chose to open up your marriage, you let things move too fast. Since you are "not comfy" with poly, why not take baby steps when you are ready again? As far as developing new boundaries/guidelines if you are going to continue, I would think some good boundaries would be to take things slowly, step by step, before either of you jumping into sex with anyone else. Perhaps each of you should meet any potential partners first, develop friendships with those people, limit number of days to be with others, and stay in communication about what is happening, things like that. Also make sure that you and your wife have a date night set aside each week to romance each other.

I think you would do well to write a list. Make it two columns: "What makes me uncomfortable about poly" and "What appeals to me about poly." Write down everything that comes to mind, no matter how irrational. Let this list guide you in creating your personal boundaries.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

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Last edited by nycindie; 09-01-2012 at 02:14 AM.
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