@all: I plan to spend some time talking more with my wife about the reasons behind her actions. That sounds like a good place to start.
@Anneintherain: I am most definitely prone to jealousy issues- I'm just not really focusing on that in this discussion. Suffice it to say that I have jealousy issues even when she keeps my boundaries. I just recognize that those are my issues- and am now looking for effective ways of dealing with them. I'm not trying to put those on her.
As to why she keeps putting herself in these kind of situations: we've had that conversation. I don't think there was ever any clear answer. That would be a good topic to bring back up now.
@newbie1: I am indeed seriously considering that poly is not for me... or maybe not for this relationship. That is part of what I need to figure out here- if it is indeed "the nature of the beast" I think I'm pretty much done.
@Skye: I'm pretty sure I can't just wipe the slate clean like it was nothing. It's going to take time, work, and honesty to get there. However, I agree that we might need to start from scratch when we get there.