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Old 09-01-2012, 01:25 AM
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lovefromgirl lovefromgirl is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: The Great Soggy Northeast
Posts: 353
Default it must be . . .

This is what it must be like to get high.

I never have before. Just a little drunk. I've never taken any substance that made me feel like opening my heart to the universe, nor any that made my blood fizz with energy.

It's all people-energy. It all comes from feeling like my best self, including having a great hair day, and sharing the good feeling with others. They respond! They respond by waving across several lanes of traffic (that was my UPS guy -- blew him a kiss -- he's got such gorgeous legs) or spending ten minutes just talking about languages with you (the lovely Moroccan gent in the sunglasses). They respond by letting you share their troubles and taking some of your joy back with them (Chibi and Theresa).

I'm a little frightened by the fizz. It's adrenaline. Adrenaline is bad, right? It makes me panic. But this is a surge of the stuff that I didn't allow out of my grasp. This is the kind of surge that came from natural human interactions. Rarely if ever does my extrovert nature overwhelm my introvert training in this way, but when it does, holy wow.

So I kept breathing. When I felt lightheaded with it, I made myself sit down and play a bit of Sudoku on my phone. I came home, I figured out that I was hungry, I ate something, and now I'm winding down for the evening. I had a good experience. I am congratulating myself on not letting the fizz tip me over the edge into anything dysphoric. This is how therapy works with meds to produce function. This is how I get my life back: one good day at a time.

. . .

M had as good a day as she could. She is fully wired now, with all of her gadgets at her fingertips, and she's got more than hospital gowns to wear. She still hurts, but not as badly as yesterday. She's happier. She's even getting the edible hospital food.

And she has CdM, who is the most loving darling man we could have asked for. He's there with and for her. Where else should he be? My heart, how could any woman begrudge such support to another? How could anyone ever think that he hasn't got enough love to go around when clearly he has?

. . .

This choice we made four years ago, to give it a try, has made me so happy. I love a man who values my freedom as much as I do, and feels the depth of my love without needing to possess me. Such men are rare in the world. Such women, too. Mum and I were talking, and she said, "Flirting is just flirting. It doesn't mean anything." And I told her there were a lot of people in the world who thought flirting was a threat to their relationship. Mum's monogamous and even she understands.

I don't want to be owned. If and/or when I join a household, I want to join it with the understanding that I am still my own entity. We are multiples of 100%, not fractions, unless we're the funny kind of fractions that divide out into more than 1. Do they even have a proper name?

I will not be owned. End of.
"I swear, if we live through this somebody's going to find their automatic shower preferences reprogrammed for ice water."

Refuge in Audacity { home of the post-raph stunner }
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