Thanks GalaGirl. That makes a lot of sense to me. I'm going to follow your advice.
I believe in total honesty and full disclosure. Even if it hurts. I will be truthful with Cat, and I will ask her to be truthful with me.
If she doesn't feel that she can be 100% truthful with me then our relationship is not ready to move forward at this point.
With me it's easy, I have no previous relationships, I have my life plan pretty well mapped out (with room for changes as I grow and learn as a person) and I know who I am.
My baggage is my history of depression (100% in control thanks to medication) and my generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, being a bit OCD and low self confidence when in social situations.
Her baggage does include abusive relationships, giving herself to people sexually when she really didn't want to, and a fear of being open with her preferences and emotions.
I have a very stable and supportive home life. Cat unfortunately hasn't got this.
So I think I have to take control and let her know that we can't keep going with hidden agendas and partial truths. It never works in the end.
Your advice is brilliant.
I think I'm not going to have any wine for our talk. I need a clear head. Cat can drink if it makes her more able to be open with me.
I've talked things over with my mom. She agrees with this agenda and will be here to step in if needed. ONLY if needed. I asked her to have my back and if she hears me agreeing to things I don't want just to not hurt Cat or if Cat goes into baby talk and won't face the issues then she will step in. She will be upstairs. She can hear us. I want that. Not spying but to be a mediator if we need one.
Mom is familiar with pan sexuality, she identifies as pan. She knows about poly but is mono. She says she doesn't feel mature enough to handle a poly relationship herself because she gets jealous but she understands the dynamics and is supportive of mono and poly. She said maybe when she's older and wiser she might explore poly. Right now she is single. Left her last relationship with a man that lasted 6 years in December. But she says she waited a year too long to end it. So she can see when a relationship is unhealthy or one sided. So she's a good one to help us I think. She's my best friend.
Got to get back to work. Cat will be here in 2 hours. Mom is picking her up. Mom is cool, they'll just talk about girl stuff and do their nails or makeup or something. Mom has a huge wardrobe of clothes that Cat likes, they can dress up when waiting for me. They did that last time tee hee!
WISH ME LUCK!!!