I don't think his being able to joke around occasionally would rule out depression, but I dont know much on that topic. Might be worth running down a check list.....And I'd hit the Asexuality check list too.
The idea of letting someone else choose a partner seems funny on a couple levels. Images of a a line up ... the scene in animal house voting on the new pledge class. I remember my wife asking which top or shoes or necklace she should wear with a certain outfit and getting it "right " about 20-40% of the time. Talk about racketing up the pressure
If he made a bad choice would be something he'd hear about the rest of his life. My dad had a boat story like that
So the conversation about the "what if's " was not related to the DADT but on the future of the relationship or ending of the relationship.
I meant the shame associated with having a secret affair/ lover. Going out in public and being seen by your husbands family, friends, co workers, his daughter. Keeping it a secret and away from his view knowing the pain it might cause him and the swirl of feeling around that.
" Join even, to whatever level he's comfortable with " are you talking about being sexual or watching you being sexual with you BF. Or are you talking about him finding his own new partner(s) Or both, everything and anything is on the table?