Thread: Help wanted
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Old 08-31-2012, 05:25 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
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Originally Posted by scout989 View Post
"Well, I just got caught up in the moment, feeling so loved, that the moment was so perfect..."
She says that poly is part of who she is,and I don't know that we would be able to be together if I decide that I am not able/willing to be poly in my relationship with her.
There was some other thing I wanted to quote but I can't find it.
GalaGirl has great advice as usual. I'll repeat that being poly doesn't mean "I get to do what I want if it breaks agreements we made" Some people DO it that way, but then they don't have much business making agreements they don't feel like keeping. After the second time somebody breaks an agreement with me (barring the big ones), they (or I) need to have the self awareness to ask for a renegotiation - it doesn't do anybody any good to keep an agreement that isn't working so it keeps damaging the relationship .

I'd be fearful that her "getting caught up in the moment" would mean safe sex agreements wouldn't be upheld either. It is nice she is being honest after she breaks agreements...I guess? From what you said you aren't reading as jealous as all, I have cheating in my past and that is something that's a trigger for me too - and as she seems to feel entitled to "spread the love" but not be sensitive and caring to an existing partner, I am wondering if there are other things she does like that that in your relationship dynamic that don't have to do with poly.

Why does she put herself in situations where she will break agreements, knowing she is prone to break them?

I am guessing there is something bigger going on, maybe she is punishing you for something, the difficult times you had in the past. Maybe she didn't expect you to be OK with her seeing other people, and she is pushing things farther and farther with the idea you will break at some point. Maybe she really needs to sit down, be really honest, and ask to renegotiate from scratch. I don't hear you asking her not to be poly, I hear you asking her to keep agreements. She seems to be kind of actively making sure you are not comfortable with poly, or at least doing poly with her.

My guess is that your only chance of minimizing broken agreements is to go with GalaGirl's suggestions - so at your bottom line, are you OK giving up anything that even hints at trying to "control her freedom" or do you need certain actions to feel safe sexually, and feel able to trust your partner? Do you think you can have both those things?
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
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