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Old 08-31-2012, 04:40 AM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
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Location: London
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Thanks Meera, thats an interesting post.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
There are definitely guys out there who feel the same way you do. (They may not be on this forum, though). Some might identify as cuckolds, others might just be comfortable with the fact that their primary partner has a secondary partner with whom she is more sexually compatible.
The cuckold thing is just fun, the three of us do not take it serious, but Nathan does get off on seeing me with Scott, or knowing that I'm with him. I think it turns him on that Scott is more able to get me off.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
I think the phrasing/terms you use in your question don't quite jive with the way most poly folks think about "primary" and "secondary." You are Aurelie's primary because you live with her and are her life partner. Her dom is her secondary because he doesn't live with her and has a primary partner of his own. You're not "sexually secondary" to her dom just because they might have more or better sex together.
Well Nathan is my primary mainly because I love him more, and also for the reasons you state. I guess that doesn't quite jive with poly either. lol. Is Nathan my sexual secondary? I do have more and better sex with Scott, but it is so different to what I have with Nathan. What makes sex great with Nathan is in many ways the opposite to what makes it great with Scott. However, Scott is the best lover I have ever had, he makes me feel a way that no other can, and that includes Nathan. Sex with Nathan is more of a mental, spirtual and love thing, with Scott it's physical.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
Does Aurelie's dom's wife think of her herself as sexually secondary to Aurelie? I'm guessing not.
Well they have been married for a long time. I admire her because she has no hangs ups, she always sees things so clearly. We talk about Scott. lol. The biggest reason he is able to get me off so much is because of his size and incredible staying power, good technique and ability also. His wife tells me that I would not love it so much after nearly twenty years, she says I would be praying for a quicky, lol, but no. I dont think she she's herhelf that way. I dont think that she thinks in those terms.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
It sounds to me like you've got yourself an awesome woman who can keep two men well satisfied . She has some kinky needs that you simply aren't compatible with. Luckily, she has a loving secondary who can meet those needs, while you benefit from finding the whole situation erotic. Plus, the pressure is off you to do BDSM stuff that you don't enjoy. Sounds perfect to me!
Lol, thanks. I'm really lucky to have two awesome men, who keep me more than satisfied. I do have kinky needs that Nathan isn't into, I do my best to corrupt him though. lol. Sometimes it works. BDSM is not one of those things though. He is so lovely and to nice to be a dom, and he doesn't want to sub for me, which I except.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
You ask how other men deal with the situation you describe. Well, quite often, they don't deal with it. They decide the woman is a slut who never loved them and is not worthy of their love. Sadly, societal norms condone such a punitive attitude toward "overly sexual" or "wrongly sexual" women.
This is why I feel so fortunate to have Nathans love. He is so open minded and excepting of my needs. He never fails to make me feel loved and secure.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
However, I do think it's a challenge for anyone to accept that their primary partner has better sex with someone else. The key is to understand sexual compatibility, and the complexities of sexuality in general. Sexuality isn't just being gay/bi/straight, it's a lot of other stuff: how kinky/vanilla you are, how dominant/submissive, how high/low your libido is, what specific sex acts you like, whether you need sex to be connected to love or not, whether you're monogamous or not, etc.
That's interesting Meera. I tease Nathan about being bi, I dont think he is though. I would say he is vanilla, altough like I said, I'm a bad influence. Also, I think the cuckold thing he likes is very kinky. lol He is submissive sexually, not in a kinky way though. His libido is high, thankfully. He likes lots of different types of sex acts, I have taught him a lot, and given him the confidence to tell me what he likes. He does need sex to be connected to love, which is what makes our sex special, we make love, Scott fucks me. Nathan is monogamous, which makes me very happy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
Every individual needs to figure out where they are on the spectrum of each of those elements of sexuality. If you're very comfortable with your own sexuality and sexual needs, you can be comfortable with knowing that you might not be able to match all of someone else's sexual needs. And that there's nothing wrong with that.
I think the four of us are very comfortable about where we stand in our relationships, not just sexually, but all round. I would say we are all very happy with the way things have turned out.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
Sorry if that's convoluted. I'm trying to say it might help if you look past the "traditional" gender roles of your situation. You've got a woman who needs a man who is more dominant, more sexual, maybe physically larger or more traditionally "masculine" than you. I can see how that might be hard to make peace with (although it sounds like you've done so!). But if you imagine the gender roles or kinky roles reversed, you can see that it's not about you being unable to satisfy your woman--it's about your woman having a more complex sexuality than you.

It definitely sounds like you ARE sexually compatible with Aurelie in many ways. Just not in EVERY way.
This is 100% correct

Quote:
Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
Hi Nathan (and Aurelie),P.S. It's awesome that you took the effort to understand as much about Aurelie's BDSM needs as possible (experimenting with her, etc), even if it's not something you want for yourself. One of the worst experiences of my life was when I asked my ex if he could try holding me down and kissing me roughly--and he looked at me like I was a disgusting, depraved pervert, and said he "couldn't" and "wasn't that type of guy." At the time, I felt really guilty for making him feel insecure about himself, even though all I had done was confess a (not uncommon) fantasy.
It is cool that Nathan is open to my suggestions, I dont force him, or ask him to do things he doesn't like though, and It would not turn me on for him to dom me now. He cant do that stuff, well he could, but it would go against the grain for him to do it. He is a very gentle and loving person, and he is the same in bed. Strangely, it does turn him on to see Scott have rough and dominant sex with me.

It's a shame things didn't work out with your ex. I think it's difficult to find a man that would be excepting of a poly lifestyle.
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