Thread: Help wanted
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Old 08-31-2012, 12:47 AM
scout989 scout989 is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 12
Default Help wanted

All right, so I suck at thread titles

I could use some advice or some new thoughts on my situation.

I apologize for the really long post, but I'm kinda talking this out to myself while I write it...

My wife, who is significantly more comfortable being poly than I am, has crossed boundaries that we set up multiple times in the last few years. Specifically, she has been physically involved with other men without discussing it with me first, which has always been a part of the different ways we have set up boundaries for poly in our relationship. Her reason is pretty much always the same: "Well, I just got caught up in the moment, feeling so loved, that the moment was so perfect..."

As I said, I am not all that comfortable with poly. I have been trying to become more comfortable, because I think that I would really love the polyamourous lifestyle once I find ways to deal with my jealousy issues.

Aha! Yep, I have jealousy issues. And she has repeatedly crossed that boundary, which in non-poly circles is typically called "cheating." Because of my past history, crossing that boundary is a pretty big deal to me. After the first time, we talked about that being a big deal to me- so it's not exactly like she didn't know the last few times.

This recurrent uprising of extremely negative feelings pretty much embodies what I don't like about poly. Though I am by no means laying all of this at my wife's door, because I haven't been in a good mental or emotional state to be able to do much work on myself, there is no doubt that what she has done has contributed to my lack of progress in becoming more comfortable in poly.

So, the current situation is this: After her most recent episode, I asked her to back off from being in active romantic relationships with anyone. She is willing to do that for a while, at least. If I were to make that a permanent thing- we are both trying to figure out what that would mean for us. She says that poly is part of who she is,and I don't know that we would be able to be together if I decide that I am not able/willing to be poly in my relationship with her. Meanwhile, I am trying to figure out if there is any way that we can set up poly in our relationship in such a way that I can feel sure that my boundaries will be respected. I don't even know what it would look like- a more workable set of boundaries, a better way of communicating with each other- I'm stuck. Nothing has occurred to me so far, so I'd love to hear anything from those who have a little (or a lot) more experience than me.
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