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Old 08-30-2012, 11:59 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 2,032

Originally Posted by Panda View Post
So I've decided that I will not have any sexual intimacy with my girlfriend if we still have lifestyle incompatibility. Sex is special to me. I've waited this long for the right girl, and if my GF is not the one then I will continue to wait. I can love her without sex. I have so far.

She says she's a very sexual person and that's why she wants to be poly. To me it seems she just wants a lot of experimental sex. She's had sex with quite a few people already, even just casually with no relationship, and seems to look at sex as a pastime whereas I look at it as a special thing to share only with a girl I want a future with.

I will not be a sex toy. If I wanted to I could have had sex with many girls. I've had lots of girls (and guys) hitting on me since I was 14 or so. But I always said no. I think I belong in a different era...

She can't understand why I can only be with one person. I can't understand why she needs open relationships. She says she and her GF have never had a problem with each of them having romantic or sexual relationships with multiple people. She says it means they're secure in their relationship to know that it's solid. I say that just makes me another sex toy with money...

I think you are on the right track for yourself. You know yourself and what you want. But I have a caution for you. Be careful how you talk about your perceptions of your girlfriend's sexuality, open relationships, and casual sex.

How to say this gently? Other than a lack of communication and perhaps some cluelessness (both of which you share in), your girlfriend has done nothing wrong. You have done nothing wrong either. It seems like the two of you are fundamentally incompatible. Again no one's fault.

You don't get casual sex or experimenting with sex. It clearly squicks you out. The idea of it makes you feel devalued- just a sex toy. And you know what dude? It's not for you and it is great that you accept and know this about yourself.

And here is the point. Because it's wrong for you does not make it wrong. Because it squicks you out does not make open relationships or casual sex or learning about what you like sexually by experimenting icky for others.

When you talk with your girlfriend frame it on what you want and need. It is always ok to state 'This is what I need from a relationship.', 'This (fill in blank) is wrong for me.' You don't have to understand or even approve but talk about your differences in ways that shame no one.
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