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Old 08-30-2012, 11:30 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
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Had a lovely date night with Brad last night. We have gotten attached at this point and there is really no backing out without a lot of pain. I fear that a little as I watch the last ditch effort to "make sure" fade into the back ground. I'm all in now.

I took a workshop at poly camp on "breaking up." There is no sign of anything ending in my relationships as they are now, but I thought it might help my grieving process and help me understand why I still feel sad about Leo.

What I learned really helped me.

I learned that to break up with someone is to honour them as I did during the high times of our relationship. It should never get to the point where resentment builds that you are with someone. Something that goes on too long breeds distain and resentment.

I learned that to honour someone; that is to love them for who they are regardless of differences, means being truthful when things aren't working to the point of needing the relationship to end. It also means being kind in words and actions without sacrificing what my needs are to reach closure, but to be considerate of the persons feelings without owning them and taking them on. Lastly it means being helpful. If someone has been a shmuck, then they need to know that in the most kind way of saying it as possible. Its an art form to break up with someone and from what I learned it takes time and is a process, just like getting together in the first place. That process doesn't end with goodbye, it can happen, and should happen together if at all possible.

I intend, if ever I break up with someone again, to hold them close, love them with all my heart, listen to them cry and cry with them, allow them to go through the grief process of denial, bargaining, sadness and anger with my being present and available every step of the way. It won't be easy, but I now feel as if I have some confidence to know when to let go and how to do that with the best possible out come.

When my marriage ended with my wife we went through a beautiful process like the one above. I intend to use that as a landmark in the future on what worked for me and hope that I can offer up everything I have learned to any other partner I have in the future.
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