Your thinking sounds very level headed, reasonable and intelligent. I don't think he is capable of being the honest, expressive, boundary respecting person you want him to be right now. Yes, he is the person who "knows the most" about how long his process of healing will take him, but that does not by itself mean he knows how long it will take. I would assume he does not know how long it will take him.
I think you want the answer to that question so you can decide if you are willing to wait. Genuine healing takes a long time. It is not something you want to put your life on hold to wait for. I would move on with your life. If he at some point in the future becomes the person you want him to be, I would consider that very fortunate and reconsider then - only AFTER he has genuinely demonstrated his healing through the new way he treats you. You are not looking for hopeful promises. You are looking for genuine real time "here and now" healthy new behavior.
Getting there takes a lot of time. It is not something you want to wait for him to do. If living in a platonic situation right now works for both of you, then do it. I would stay away from anything more.
Last edited by snowmelt; 08-30-2012 at 11:30 PM.