Thread: Opp
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Old 08-30-2012, 07:27 PM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 172

Originally Posted by newbie1 View Post
I am unsure if he wants me to be happy since my main focus has been his happiness and not my own..

Originally Posted by newbie1 View Post
I have been finding it difficult for me to communicate with my spouse
The issue here is not poly or even OPP, but both of these ARE turning your attention toward the real issue. You have problems in your marriage. You've grown up a bit since you were first married. Your marriage is not welcoming or accomodating the personal growth you've achieved. It sounds to me like your husband sees the marriage as a structure that is in place to serve his needs. That structure is rigid (crystalline). It doesn't flex. That sounds like his overall style. The lying he recently did sounds like it is his way of reinforcing that structure to make sure it is still solidly in place.

Your husband sees the possibility of you having a relationship with another man as you taking a big step out of the marriage. It is time for you to see if this marriage is capable of growing up (to catch up to where you are emotionally right now). Start to take little steps INTO your own marriage by talking to him about your relationship with him (not poly or OPP). Get to know him better. Show interest in him if you have interest in him (if not that takes things in a brand new direction).

I know OPP is unbalanced and unfair. If you focus on the OPP right now, you leave yourself with only two options. Leave the marriage or spend your time getting mad at his inflexibility. He will respond to your anger by reinforcing his structure. Either one of the these will stress the marriage even more.

Instead, focus on getting to know him all over again and helping him get to know you - without talking about OPP or poly. You will learn a lot about yourself and him while you are doing this. He will too, whether he admits it to you or not. He will have to see your effort at doing this as you stepping INTO the marriage. That may help him cope with your desire to step OUT of the marriage (as he sees it) by dating other men.

You will learn a lot along the way. You will see "hints" along the way that will tell you if he is permanently inflexible, or just stubborn and needs attention from you he does not know how to ask for right now. At some point, you will know if this marriage will give you what you need. If you discover it will not, then you have to decide if you are in or out.

Over time, you have taught him that he is in charge and what he wants he gets. Crystalline structures (your husband's attitude) are so rigid they completely shatter if too much pressure is applied too fast. That means it will take time and effort on your part to show him (with kindness) that is no longer the way things are. The lying is a concern, but stepping into your marriage the way I suggest could solve that along the way if you decide this marriage is worth keeping.

Last edited by snowmelt; 08-30-2012 at 09:05 PM.
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